Special Needs
How We’re Doing, Really
This is a question I get all the time. “Everything sounds great, but how are you really doing?!” So today, right now, I’m going to spare you the “oh, good – we’re doing really good” answer, and give you the real deal. Raw and unabridged.
Because the truth is, we are doing good. Really good. But there is so, so much more to it than that.
The last 2+ months have been hard. They’ve been messy. They’ve been exhausting. They’ve been confusing. Any new mommy & daddy would say the same thing – newborn or otherwise. But bringing a 3 year old into a brand new family is different. Not harder or easier – just different. Carter came with an established personality – a muddy past – and an attachment to….well – no one, really.
I think I was naive to think that after we got home, if we just got that boy some love and some healthy food that we’d be on the road to success. In part, this is true.
Huge difference, right?!
We have seen the difference that a little lovin’ makes – and it’s huge. Monumental. But this 3 year old boy needs more than a little love and veggies.
Like discipline. How do you discipline someone you’re trying desperately to attach to? Very carefully. Being a preschool teacher for 7 years – I have all they keys to unlock the mysterious mind of a difficult preschooler. I know just what to say and just how to handle the most out-of-control child. And on top of that, they would love me in return. But Carter is different. He is fragile. Don’t let his healthy figure and cute smile fool you. He is fragile. He is trying to explore his world. His new world. He is working out, in his mind, all the exciting – intriguing – incredible things around him. And when I see his mind working, and the gears are turning – it’s hard for me to step in and say ‘NO!’. I do say no-no. Often. But each time, I wonder if that’s really what’s best. I know – he needs to learn discipline – and he does understand no-no. But this kid is just walking around, enjoying life. Totally sucking the marrow out of it. And we’re telling him ‘no-no’.
Sometimes, Carter gets a gentle hand tap. Enter, Christmas tree (so stinkin’ glad it’s gone!). And I know he needs that little slap, but as I’m doing it, I can’t help but wonder who has done it in the past. Not on his hands – but on his face, head, back…? And again, I wonder if that’s really what’s best.
See what I mean? Messy.
We are go-ers. Always on the go. It’s our nature. Being-doing-seeing-going is in our blood, somehow. But as a family who just brought home a 3 year old, ‘going’ should not be part of our daily activities. In fact – instead of being-doing-seeing-going, we should be sitting-listening-quieting-holding. It’s easier said than done, trust us. After spending 30+ days in a tiny apartment in Ukraine, we were ready to hit the ground running the day we got home. And we couldn’t. Then, after a week of staying home – we were ready to get back to our old being-doing-seeing-going ways. A tip to those of you about to embark on this incredible journey: When you think your child is ready for xyz, wait another week. When you think you’re ready for xyz, wait another 2 weeks. Once you let that person snuggle your baby, or you start running errands with your child, or whatever – it’s really, really hard to get it back. It’s nearly impossible to go back and say ‘you’re snuggling too much’ or to tell yourself ‘the errands can wait until later’ – because it’s already been done – so what can the harm be in doing it more?!
See what I mean? Exhausting. Confusing. This is the reality of adoption. I don’t ever want to make this journey look easy. It’s not.
That’s not to say that it’s not good. That it’s not incredible. Amazing. Rewarding. Because of course, it is all of those things. But it’s not easy.
So, as I’m sitting here enjoying my coffee – rambling on about attachment….my sweet boy is laughing big belly laughs in his highchair, enjoying the last bits of breakfast. Please, don’t misunderstand. We are so abundantly blessed. Incredibly happy. But don’t think for a second that this is a piece of cake.
It’s tough stuff – this adoption journey. But so, so worth it.
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Ashley Gibson
I’m a daughter of the Most High God – wife to the most incredible, Godly man I know – and, as of two months ago, a proud mama to a 3 year old boy with Down syndrome. When Jake & I married 5 years ago, we planned on chasing after the typical American Dream. We’re so grateful that God got a hold of us – shook us up a bit – and then spoke to us, loud & clear. I’m learning to step back, say ‘yes’ to God, and allow Him to pen our life story. I enjoy writing about our life – our son – parenting a child with special needs – adoption – and other random tidbits on our family blog.
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Are you interested in becoming a family for a little one with Down Syndrome? This little girl is hoping her family finds her soon. Email to be connected with the adoption agency who has her file.
You Are One
What If?
You were misunderstood, isolated, never held, never educated, had to wash your bedpan, had no concept of mom or dad, weren’t allowed to touch anyone else, but were actually perfectly normal by all appearances (except one unseen diagnosis)?
As crazy as this sounds, this is the story of Xiao Ling, a 3 year old from Zhonshan, China.
For many reasons, HIV is not something China has a lot of experience dealing with. Subsequently, many of the same misconceptions, misunderstandings, and unjustified fears of years past are the norm. Xiao is HIV positive but is being dealt with as if he has leprosy and can’t be touched or isn’t worth educating. Through a random posting, I encountered this article about Xiao, and it has touched something deep within me and Melissa.
I should probably back up and explain why. In November, we attended an annual fundraising banquet. It’s extremely encouraging to be around so many like minded people wanting to defend the fatherless. The theme was ONE, that you can help one, it only takes one person to make difference, etc…something we’ve always shared with people who ask why we’ve chosen the path we have for our family.
Heading into the banquet, Melissa and I were at the point of praying for where God would lead us next on our orphan advocacy journey. We both had prayed and agreed we were not supposed to go down the traditional adoption path again; fill out application, pick a country, wait for a referral, etc. We simply agreed we knew we were to be at the ready when God calls to act, and this is where we’ve been for many months.
In the midst of the banquet, while David Platt was speaking, our new path became apparent to me. We were to advocate for the orphaned in China who have been diagnosed as HIV+. I didn’t mention this immediately to Melissa as I needed to make sure this “stuck” if you know what I mean. We’ve all been swept up in the emotion of an event to only wonder later what in heaven’s name were we thinking?! The clarity around this never subsided in the coming weeks, so I finally shared my heart with Melissa at the next opportunity. I told her we should make it known that we are willing and ready to help ONE child in China who has been diagnosed HIV+. She hardly blinked and said YES.
Very shortly after, while searching adoption and orphan stories, I found the above article and simply sent it to Melissa because it was in line with our discussions. Not so much to say “here is a child,” but to begin the discussion around the apparent need. If you read the article, it states this boy is not adoptable (which isn’t correct), and it didn’t state what orphanage he is in. Through some internet sloothing, I believe we’ve found the orphanage and have talked with an adoption agency who has previous experience getting HIV+ children adopted into the US. They have indeed been able to help us locate him, and we are now waiting to hear what can be done for him. At the minimum, he needs someone to go there and love on him.
So, at this time, we are advocating for Xiao. Whether he is to be a Freeman some day is unknown but we are trying to see if there is a foster family near him willing to take him or anything to get him out of his “jail” like conditions.
He is ONE boy.
Made in the image of God.
Who needs ONE person to make a difference.
Please join us in praying for Xiao and how God can use us to help and advocate for him.
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I’m an Educator by trade, father of 5 (2 internationally adopted), love participating in triathlons and have been a Christian since my early teens. I am currently the Vice President of Academic Affairs for Virginia College’s online division based out of Birmingham, Al and quickly becoming overwhelmed (in a good way) with volunteer work with Lifesong for Orphans and their international orphan care ministry along with organizing short term missions recently at our church. Read more from Chris and how God has already worked on behalf of Xiao on Chris’ blog.
The Joys of Boys
I come across this video on one of my favorite blogs at an hour far too early to be out of my bed. Taking a sip of coffee and pouring puffs across Gabriel’s high chair tray, I drowsily push the play button…
Way too soon for the caffeine to have reached my veins, I am jolted awake.
There is one special need, ironically, that often is the barrier to a child ever finding a permanent home. Being and orphan and being born a BOY…
Can that really be true?
As the mother of two little guys whose boy-filled ways melt my heart daily, it is hard to fathom.
By the time that first sweet little face fills my screen, a lump begins rising in my throat and my eyes threaten to brim over.
And then…some of the reasons to consider adopting a boy:{deep breath}
Because a boy’s laugh is contagious…Because it’s never too soon to buy that first truck…Boys have dreams, too…Boys are soft and sweet…Because playing sports is fun…Because we need more cowboys…Because who else can make a suit look so good…Because we all need a superhero…Because boys love a good adventure…Because boys are gorgeous, too…Because brothers are a wonderful thing…Because boys love playing outside…Because every little boy deserves a family…
The tears are now flowing freely because these truly are the joys my boys bring to my life and, oh, how I know the list can go on!
I adore my little men and find myself smitten with all the things that delight their wild hearts. For someone who has always been a bit of a girly girl (my interests growing up being dancing, singing, acting, art, and anything beautiful), there has been a shift of focus for sure, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s amazing how my love for them has transformed the world around me too. Creepy crawlies have gone from being, well, creepy to really fascinating and what is a day without a good sword fight, cool cars, and at least one game that involves throwing, catching, kicking or hitting some kind of a ball. Life with them in it is good for me…very, very good.
This gratitude for the gift of their little lives in mine is quickly adding gravity to the harsh reality playing across my computer screen. My heart is being torn right in two as I contemplate others just like Jack and Gabriel who are hurting and lonely waiting for a mommy and daddy to come and make them family.
I find myself already responding to questions implied but as yet unasked and I wonder…
Do I DARE?!
Is it wise to let myself go where this train of thought is going to take me? Because once it leaves the station, there is going to be no turning that puppy around. We’re not talking so much along the lines of, “What’s one more?” but more to the effect of, “Why not pack this house with little boys”? A glimpse of my future is coming into focus that resembles a football team, and I can smell the stinky feet already.
Lord, give me strength.
I try to shake it from my mind and tell myself that what I really need is more sleep. Gabriel’s late night feedings and early morning wake-up calls are getting to me more than I realized, and I have to regain my grip on reality…
Or do I?
For I know it to be true that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts nor are His ways our ways. And the wisdom of the Lord is foolishness in the eyes of the world. This craziness does seem to have His fingerprints all over it. This is the way He consistently speaks to my soul and asks me to follow Him along paths as yet unknown. Will I cast out into the deep and lower my nets for a catch? Will I step out of the boat into the raging waters and keep my eyes fixed on Him?
And then, there they are in plain view, written on my screen, the questions my heart had already been asking and I know their answers have already been given.
Can you open your heart to a little boy?…And open your life to adventure?…Every baby boy needs a momma…There are thousands of little boys right now who are dreaming of just one person to believe in them…
Oh, my heart…I can’t take it! Seriously, it really is too much, as if the voice of God Himself is asking me to love his little ones, to be a mother to his sons.
Could that person be YOU?
Game over. Every fiber of my being is shouting, “YES”!
Now I am praying, pleading…Oh God, please let this be done in me, in my family. Allow us this gift, the tremendous blessing of raising your sons. May they grow to be men after your own heart. God let them know the unfathomable love of the Father to the fatherless. Let us show them One who has heard their cries, who has not allowed one tear to fall unnoticed and who will not leave them abandoned as orphans forever.
I can barely wait for Johnny to wake up so that he can see what I am seeing and know what I am knowing….
The poor guy isn’t even greeted with a good morning much less given the chance to make his way to the coffee pot before I pull him over to my laptop. Sure enough, I’m crying again before it has even begun, and he wraps his arms around me as he watches the screen. I can feel his embrace tighten as this truth, one we hadn’t known before this morning sinks in.
I’m not one to cry very easily or often but when I do…well, let’s just say that it’s not pretty. I somehow manage to sob, “Did that have the same effect on you that it had on me”? He jokes that he doesn’t think it could affect anyone as much as it had me. But through the smile on his face, there is an intensity in his eyes and I know.
He sees what I am seeing and knows what I am knowing…
Our sons are out there somewhere, waiting for us bring them home.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9
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Alison Oertle
Alison Oertle is a wife and mother who works in full time ministry at her Church and serves women and families as a FertilityCare Practitioner. Just when she thought life was settling into a comfortable and somewhat predictable routine, God laughed. As it turns out, a new vision for her future is being revealed that promises to shake things up a bit and involves sharing Christ’s heart for the orphan. Her family is hopeful and excited to see where the glorious unknown will lead as they strive to be faithful to the call. Read more of Alison’s story, a lot of the ordinary day-to-day alongside her deep thoughts about the things that matter most, as the Oertle’s adoption journey unfolds at Let Us Begin.
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Wanna see a very special 17-month old boy who is waiting for his family to say yes to him?
Come swoon over this beautiful child.
More information available if you are interested in learning more about him.
Healing Beneath the Surface
This morning, I raced to get the kids off to their schools and then get on over to CHOP’s cardiologist for Lydia’s appointment. I wasn’t worried about the appointment. A check up every 6 months. Just gotta do it.
A VSD put her in the special needs program. We were prepared for heart surgery. We were relieved to learn the week we got home that surgery would likely never be needed. Our cardiologist explained that it would only be necessary if the valve started to pull into the little hole between the walls of the bottom two chambers of her heart.
“Show him your heart, Lydia.” She pointed to her chest and said, all drawn out as she does, “Right here.” He listened. He listened some more. She got the EKG with stickers that tickled. Then, we went into the little room fitted with a big ole bed for her echo.
The tech pulled up her echo from 18 months ago. I could watch it on the computer screen and hear it–her heart sounded like a little bird to me, racing.
“Was she really upset when we did this before?” she asked.
“What do you mean?”
“It’s just that her heart was a bit crazy there. Looks like she was really worked up.”
She wasn’t.
18 months ago, we were in that same room with the same technician even. It was just me and Lydia, newly home, still getting to know each other. I sat there with her and rubbed her legs during that echo all while she lay perfectly still, just looking at me, not making a peep. I remember at one point, I even got her to fall asleep.
But, she wasn’t at peace. For a year, she never left one building. One day, one of the nannies there dressed her up nicely in new clothes, put her in a car for perhaps the 2nd time in her life, drove 2 1/2 hours, brought her into an office building and handed her to a white lady with a big nose who was crying and laughing at the same time who then passed her back and forth to a big white guy with red hair. We took her to our hotel room, then an airplane, then another hotel room, all while going to restaurants and walking around crowded streets. Then, after a very long plane ride, we arrived somewhere entirely new–new sounds, new smells, new people, new children wanting to touch her and hug her.
As calm as she seemed during that echo 18 months ago, the poor baby was upset. And, we’ve got a video record of her heart to prove it.
But, today, was different. She happily laid on the bed and talked to me about Dora who they had playing on a screen for her to pass the time. I watched the screen and the images of her heart, amazed at the clarity of the picture and how we were able to painlessly look right into our little one’s chest. Amazing.
And, then, she said it. The tech smiled at me and said it.
“Have you been praying?”
Her heart is healed. The hole is gone. Her heart is whole. Totally whole.
The cardiologist, an adoptive dad of two himself, smiled and told us he doesn’t want to see us ever again.
Amazing.
All 23 lbs of her.
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Kelly Raudenbush
Forever changed by our experience of being adopted and adopting, Kelly is a stay-at-home mom/manager to 4 children–the youngest of whom is from Baoji, Shaanxi, China–who is a professional juggler, juggling her calling as wife and mother with a small online store (Jiayin Designs), editing, administrating this site, and serving adoptive families through The Sparrow Fund. You can learn more about their adoption story, how they’ve been changed, and what life for them looks like on their personal blog where she’s currently featuring some great ways you can shop with purpose this season (which includes over 25 giveaways!).
{Advocating} Ready to Belong
In July, my husband and I traveled to China to serve with Bring Me Hope to provide a camp experience for orphans. As prepared as you think you are with packing lists and immunizations and reading all you can beforehand, I wasn’t at all prepared for what God had in store for me.
My heart was broken. My heart was broken over each one of those children He brought to that camp. Broken.
During my second week in Xi’an, I had the tremendous blessing of spending 5 days with a sweet little boy [David]. I’ll never forget seeing him for the first time. He immediately reached for my hand and held it with a tight grip. He didn’t want to let me go. I noticed right away that he had some difficulty walking. And, as we walked to the edge of the room together to play, I became more aware of the trouble he had walking. As I walked easily in stride, I could feel his body shift from left to right as we walked hand in hand. He has scoliosis. I imagine that the years of little to no treatment and no family to help him get what he needs has contributed to his rhythmic gait.
But, his spirit is so bright. He smiled up at me with an excited grin and told our translator he was excited to come to camp. Every few minutes, he would shift his entire body to turn and smile at my translator and me. I remember consciously noticing what a beautiful smile he had.
That first afternoon, we played badminton until we could play no more. And, he laughed and played with joy despite the differences in how God formed his shape.
When I think about [David], I think first of his sweet spirit–quick to listen, eager to try new things and soak every bit out of camp that he could. He had two close buddies at camp. They all lived in the orphanage together, and it was very easy to tell that they were best buds, three peas in a pod. It occurred to me that they were probably the closest thing he has to a family, the closest thing he has experienced of what it feels like to belong.
He was made paper ready, made available for international adoption when he was only 5 years old.
He just turned 8.
And, for nearly 3 years, he has waited, paper ready to be adopted.
[David] seemed most happy when he was beside his two best friends. I couldn’t help but picture him home with a family, HIS family, and how happy he would be, how much potential he has, how much he’d grow and thrive. And, how tightly he’d hold the hand of his mother and father.
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This little boy’s name has been changed for the purpose of advocating.
please email Kelly if you are interested in learning more about him. Additional pictures are readily available, and you will be put in touch with someone who can send you his full medical file.
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Micah Hodges
Micah Crowe is 22 and lives with her husband, Josh, in Vero Beach, Florida. They spent 3 weeks in China, serving with Bring Me Hope, an orphan ministry. She has also served in Russia and Taiwan working with youth and children. She enjoys traveling and playing guitar, but her real passion is for missions. Micah and Josh plan to move overseas to be full-time missionaries.
SPD Meltdown
She starts crying…lots of stiff, foot stomping crying…crying “mommy, mommy, hold me.” It’s the beginning of a meltdown. Of course, I immediately bend down and scoop up my precious crying babe. But, what’s different about this cry? The cause? It’s sensory processing disorder. It’s a cry and pain that cannot be comforted, a cry that can’t be stopped, a cry that the more you try to comfort and soothe, the more intense and raging it becomes, a cry that is actually more like a blood curdling scream, a continual scream that will only stop when her body has fully let it all out. SPD is holding her hostage in her own body.
I pick up my crying babe just for her to start screaming, “don’t touch me, put me down.” I put her down. She changes her screams of “put me down” to “I want to hold you…hold me, hold me” and this goes on for at least 40 minutes, sometimes much longer. We sit in a chair as she screams and kicks, fighting me, fighting herself the entire time, her body is extremely tight, rigid, stiff. She clings to me for dear life and pushes me away at the same time. We try walking around but it’s extremely difficult to carry her because of the intense kicking. The love that a mama normally pours out for her hurt child–the singing, the caressing, the holding, the kissing, the whispers, the beautiful loving–actually causes my girl to spiral even deeper.
She kicks violently, she slaps my legs until they are red, she frantically rubs her feet together until they are raw and almost bleeding. I try to protect her. I try to hold her feet, separate her feet, anything to keep her from rubbing them together. But, her adrenaline is raging. The child who has hypotonia is just about stronger than her mama. The more I try to stop her, the more persistent and focused she becomes in rubbing her feet. The more I ask her to stop kicking and flopping her legs all over, the more she flails, the more she screams “don’t touch me, hold me, put me down, I want you.”
This will only end when her body, her brain, and neurological system will let her rest, when her disorganized little body can calm long enough to get her grounded.The screaming, kicking, feet rubbing, stomping, pushing, slapping is starting to fade. Her body is exhausted and will finally let her rest. She collapses on my shoulder and her SPD cry turns into an exhausted weep.
It’s over; the meltdown is done. She will weep for a few moments, sit up, and carry on like nothing ever happened. I can still see the exhaustion in her eyes. But, for now, her body is at peace and communicating properly. She hums and skips around as if all is well.
But, this mama doesn’t forget. This mama grieves for the deep, internal wounds my baby girl carries, for her disorganized little insides. This mama grieves that no matter how much I try to comfort her during these times, the more pain it causes her.
Lord, continue to heal our miracle girl, the precious babe you fashioned and created to be our girl, the precious babe you had us fight for, the sweet girl that we are still fighting for. Equip us to help her heal. Show us everything she needs and how we can help her. Amen.
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Please visit Stacy’s blog to read 4 Years Living With Sensory Processing Disorder about how they discovered their daughter had SPD and how they have walked through it medically. It’s worth your time. Truly.
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Stacy Richards
Paul and Stacy have been married for 15 glorious years. They have been incredibly blessed with 7 miracle children (1 homegrown, 4 open domestic adoptions, 2 china special needs’ adoptions). Their greatest passions are serving the Lord, their children, homeschooling their miracles, and advocating for the orphan. They feel deeply called to raise awareness about the orphan crisis and advocating for orphan children across the world. Follow the journey the Lord has called them to here.
Gotcha Day
Ty’s one year Gotcha day.
It has been a year filled with witnessing miracles and one of the hardest years of my life all at the same time. For the girls, we always celebrated their gotcha day with a yummy dinner and a small gift that we bought for them in China. But, we are treading on different ground this time around. Last week, when we told Ty that his special day was coming up, he started to get sad and had a lot of questions. Not the kind you would expect. He does not ever want to talk about his time in China. We bring it up often or try to ask him questions which he NEVER answers. We all love China and talk about one day going back with the entire family. He will quickly pipe up and remind everyone that he does NOT want to go to China. When the conversation does turn to China he usually starts to question me: “Mommy, what took you so long to get me in China?” “Why did it not take a long time for you to get Mina and Finn in China?” “Mommy, you should have gotten me first!” “Mommy, I want to be a baby when you get me in China.” I think he blames me for the fact that he waited so long.
And then, sometimes he just tells us that he WAS a baby when we came to China. I think he would love to just gloss over and pretend that is how it all went down. Denial. I totally understand that. I don’t know if I will ever be able to tell him the truth that I had seen his sweet face waiting on waiting lists for over 2 years before I even thought about the possibility of adding another child to our crew. I do know for sure that for the past year, this boy has loved like I have never seen. He has the biggest heart I have ever known, and I am blessed to be his Mama.
Needless to say, we didn’t celebrate too much. I don’t think he would have appreciated it. He wants so badly to just forget, to be just like his big brother and not have this past. So, we just went on like any other day. But, I went back to look at some pictures of my boy one year ago, and I broke into tears.
In this picture I see a pale skinny little kid. I remember how weak he was. How ridiculously uncoordinated he was. How he hoarded food. How he flinched when you tried to give him a high five. How he tested his limits to see if we could protect him. How he would carry 17 toys at the same time for fear he would lose one. How he was too nervous to leave my side for a second. How he would try to win our love by sweeping and cleaning like mad. How happy he was during the day and then we would go in to find him quietly sobbing at night. How he would wet the bed every night for fear of getting out of bed.
Now, if you put these pictures side to side, I wouldn’t pick my boy out of a line up. He is a totally different child. He looks and acts like he has aged 4 years in the past 12 months.
Last year in China, I will admit that I was scared. He couldn’t even tell his colors to the guides, he couldn’t hold a pencil and trace a straight line. His Mandarin, the few times he tried, was barely understandable to anyone in China or here. I was worried that he was very delayed. Now that he is a few weeks into Kindergarten, I spoke with his seasoned teacher, and she said he was doing fabulous, better than a lot of the kids who have been here their whole life. She said she would have him reading by the end of the year. I cried huge tears of joy! I am crazy proud of how far he has come. He is so brave and so determined and so loving. And, I am blessed!
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Amy Crawford
Amy and her husband Marc live in North Carolina and are the parents of 6 children, 3 biological and 3 blessings from the China Special Needs program in the last 3 years. Never in their wildest dreams did they imagine that their family would be bursting at the seams, but they have been enormously blessed by opening their hearts to adoption. Their lives are simple, chaotic, overwhelming, and overflowing–and they wouldn’t have it any other way. Visit us in the midst of our happenings here.
What Every Child Should Know
Every child should know they are a miracle. It haunts and breaks me to think of kids right here in my town and across this globe that will never know love. It is a devastating reality. Sometimes it can be easy just not to think about ‘those’ kids. It can be easy not wrestle with things outside of our comfort and have to deal with what you feel as result. But the easy way in most life is usually the least rewarding….and least exciting for that matter.
Foster care…adoption…orphan trusts….child sponsorship…..respite care….supporting those that adopt…..
SO MANY WAYS TO MAKE SURE A CHILD KNOWS LOVE.
Last year I shared about my friend Angie who was selling gorgeous headbands and bags to raise money for her adoption. She just returned from China with her little girl! They have a beautiful story and my family will forever be changed because they were willing to share it.
Angie led me to Nicole & Katie. I was daily checking photographer Nicole Renee’s family blog while she was in China meeting her daughter and preparing to bring her home. Aren’t the best stories the real life ones? Can you believe how gorgeous Brooklyn is? What an incredible gift she must be to her parents!
And then there is Kate….Katie is in the starting stages of her adoption of a little girl in the Congo. You can read on her blog about their process and their fundraising.…and how cute is her family!
Earlier this year I shared about a new friend I met during the craft weekend at Meg’s. I remember sitting in the back of a van learning all about Amy and her family. She’s the NASA all-star that sent me the Astronaut Legos! She shared about her amazing son Ben. If you visit her blog you’ll see how Ben lights up the whole space. Ben is an incredible kid…and he has Down syndrome. Amy began looking around Reece’s Rainbow – part of Reece’s Rainbow’s mission is “to rescue orphans with Down syndrome through the gift of adoption.” It didn’t take long before Amy’s family began the process to welcome another son into their family. They are working hard at bringing little Davis home…. meet Davis:
A big brown eyed cutie, he lives in Ukraine right now. But he’s got a big brother in America who also has Down Syndrome….and those two boys need to be together. Their mommy needs Davis in her arms! Go here to learn about the Jupins, about Davis, and how you can help bring Davis home!
About 2 years ago, I shared a little session I did with my good friends Robert & Rachel. They were getting their family book together for a domestic adoption. Since that time they’ve added two handsome boys to their family. Not only have they gained two sons, through open adoptions they have been given an incredible gift to have healthy relationships with the strong women that gave life to their boys. This is Rachel and her youngest son (yeah, she’s gorgeous).
So, yeah, we can make a difference. Maybe it is opening your home to a child currently in the foster care system. Maybe it is looking beyond what a medical form says and finding your child waiting in another country. Maybe it is being the answer to the heart cry of a birth mom in your town. Maybe it is supporting someone else on an adoption journey. Maybe it is advocacy and raising awareness. Maybe it is babysitting for those foster care parents you met the other day or playing a game of basketball at a nearby DHS shelter. You can make a difference. I can make a difference. And really….why wouldn’t we?
Because every child deserves to know love & security.
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Ashley Campbell
Ashley’s days consist of a lots of Legos and lots of seemingly mundane moments. As mom to four kids (boys 3, 5, 7 and a 2 year old daughter) she finds the most beauty in those mundane moments and relishes the adventure of parenthood with her husband Chris. Aside from an addiction to painting everything that doesn’t move, she is passionate about all areas of orphan care and social justice issues especially as they relate to children. Ashley chronicles her adventures as a mom, crafter, photographer and advocate her her blog, Under the Sycamore.
Staking My Claim
I know I have been absent. I have thought of writing this post 100 times, and yet I haven’t. Until today. Today is the day that I am claiming it.
Over the past year and half, I have felt like a snowball rolling down hill. Picking up crud along the way. I’ve been rolling FAST, too fast. I haven’t been able to enjoy the ride very much for worrying about getting THERE.
You see, since we have adopted Lilly, I have been playing catch up. Catch up on attachment, catch up on socialization, catch up on education, catch up in language development, catch up on speech, catch up on cleft surgeries, catch up on immunizations, catch up on bonding. CATCH UP, quick, we have to CATCH UP. Are you overwhelmed yet? Because I am.
I haven’t posted much about Lilly’s last surgery. The bone graft. Third surgery in a year. Just about everything that could have went wrong did. Even requiring a second surgery (which is the 4th surgery) in a year to fix a freak occurrence from the 3rd surgery. It’s A LOT.
Then, there is school. She does okay, but we aren’t caught up. We are working on that. Attachment. Its always been difficult. Just when I think I have it all figured out, some new things come rearing their ugly heads. And speech. She has made so much progress but still lacks in areas.
On top of all the catch up I have been dealing with, the death of my precious grandmother (who died unexpectedly on the day Lilly had the 3rd surgery), my oldest going to college, my middle going to high school, another adoption, etc. I could go on but I think you get the point. Not fun stuff.
Through all this, it finally occurred to me. LET IT GO. I don’t HAVE to play catch up anymore. EVERYTHING is not important right now. Right now, I need to love this girl where she is and stop trying to change her to fit the mold that I think she should fit. There is no way that I can catch up for 5 years of lost time over night. Why did I not realize that before? I only have to do what I HAVE to do. The rest will come in time.
Time opens every door.
I’m staking my claim. I will not worry anymore about getting this child ahead. I will love her where she is planted, and watch her bloom. I will love her the same if she NEVER gets caught up. I want to enjoy more and worry less. It feels good actually, like I just shed a very heavy coat. I will prioritiz,e and we will have small nibbles at life, in manageable pieces, not trying to eat the whole pie at one time.
I just have to love her where she is. That’s all. Its that simple.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . . And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
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Leslee Dockery
Leslee lives in North Carolina with her husband and three children, 19, 15, and 7. Her youngest daughter was adopted from China 2 years ago. They are currently getting ready to travel to adopt their fourth child, a 5-year-old boy from China. You are welcome to follow along on their blog. Leslee is passionate about older child adoption and glad to help anyone who has questions. “Walking in faith through our adoptions has been the hardest and most rewarding thing we have ever done.”
Sometimes You Have to be That Mom
It’s really my goal in life to never be that person. Since having kids, I strive to not be that mom, you know the one who thinks her little angel can do no wrong, or the one who packs a lunch for her kids wherever they go because they only eat organic/local, or the one who is always asking you to watch her kids but never has the time for yours, or the one who has snotty, whiny, misbehaving rugrats having a major case of the “gimmes” at the grocery store. Sorry if I stepped on any one’s toes there.
I admit, the motivation to never be that mom is really pretty selfish, but it is what it is.
Enter Ty.
He spent his first 6 months walking around on a leash. Yup, I was that mom. I couldn’t even trust him to walk from our van to our front door. He spent many a visits to the library running to the end and throwing a tantrum because he couldn’t explore freely like the older two. I was that mom with a screaming, misbehaving toddler. I hated it. I could imagine people thinking, “Can’t that woman get her child under control?” because that’s what I would have thought. Before Ty. I felt like I wanted to wear a sandwich board that read, “This child has recently been uprooted from the only family he can remember–a family he loved. He has switched languages and cultures and was born 15 weeks early. Cut him (and me) some slack. Just look at my other children and please don’t categorize me as that mom.”
At a recent training for our current adoption, we got an excellent article from Empowerd to Connect entitled, “Ten Questions for Parent Preparing to Adopt or Foster.” After our experience with Ty, the questions hit me square in the gut.
5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal and become all that God intends?
6. Are you prepared to advocate for you child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictablility and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?
7. Are you willing to sacrifice you own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?
I wish someone had asked me these questions before we adopted the last time. Or, maybe it’s better they hadn’t. I might have run screaming in the other direction like Jonah and missed out on all this growing and stretching God had planned for me.
Today was another perfect example.
Ty is not allowed to have chocolate because of the way it affects his behavior. For the past couple weeks, we’ve restricted gluten as well to see if it’s a factor. Because they’re not allergies, I forgot to list them on his VBS form. As much as it pained me, I was totally that mom on Monday when I dropped of his special gluten-free, chocolate-free snack with him and politely asked the VBS group leader to make sure he only ate what I had provided. It was even more painful when I explained it wasn’t an actual allergy but was behavior related. I could feel the guy rolling his eyes on the inside.
Day 4 of VBS, I dropped off his snack as usual except today, they didn’t use it for some reason. Ty was super excited when I picked him up to announce that he had OREOS for snack. Seriously!?!!? We were doing so well. And OREOS!?!? Couldn’t they have slipped up on Goldfish day?
So, I sit him down at our volunteer lunch (like I have done every other day this week) with a bowl of raspberries for him to eat while I get our main course. I had my back turned for less than 2 minutes, and he had put a handful of mulch into the berry container and then proceeded to wash the berries off in his siblings’ lemonade cups. The rest of the afternoon was downhill from there. The human part of me wanted to make him “pay” for his bad decisions. How dare he do that? I wanted justice for the older kids who had done nothing wrong to deserve to miss out on lemonade at lunch. Because of his background, he does not respond to high-level, cause-and-effect discipline. Even though I wanted to push him away because I was so angry at him, he really needed me to spend extra time with him so he didn’t have any other opportunities to misbehave while the chocolate wore off and so my connecting to him would help him reregulate and process why eating an oreo had been a “thumbs-down” decision. It meant I wouldn’t get to decompress after VBS while the kids played quietly together. It meant he had to be glued to my side while I gave him my almost-undivided attention because he has even more trouble self-directing when he’s on chocolate.
When I drop Ty off tomorrow, I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll reiterate Ty’s snack policy. It’s the battle of pride versus setting my child up to have a “thumbs-up” kinda day.
Lesson learned? Sometimes you just have to be that mom.
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Melissa Corkum
Patrick and Melissa, who was adopted from Korea as an infant, have two biological children and a son adopted at age 2 1/2 from Korea. In May they, started a paper chase for a sibling group from Ethiopia. They reside in Maryland where they started a ministry called Grafted Families. Its goal is to serve Gospel-centered churches as they care for orphans and vulnerable children. Melissa also has a photography business that specializes in adoption homecoming and foster family photography. You can get to know Melissa better on her personal blog and Patrick on his personal blog.
