Special Needs
It’s Mothers’ Week: To Mothers of Unattached Children
We are heart healers, which is so hard to be when we ourselves are broken. Our hearts are broken, too…often by the same children we are trying to heal.
We’ve been the recipients of abuse, emotional and verbal and physical. We’ve had to turn the other cheek, put up a brave front, treat others the way they would want to be treated even though they refuse to do the same for us. We have had to show love–real love, yes, but mostly fake love and somewhere-in-between love–to some of the most unlovable people imaginable, all in the name of healing.
We have the same secrets, sister. We’ve lost our tempers. We’ve parented in anger. We’ve said and done things we regret. We’ve tried, at our most broken, to make our children understand just how unlovable they are. We’ve hated a child.
We have the same fears and the same questions, too. Will I ever love my child for real? Will I ever look at her without seeing a monster? What kind of a person will he grow up to be? Am I making a difference at all?
We are tired. We are weary. Some days, we want to give up altogether, beat ourselves into the ground. And yet we persevere, sometimes because we want to, sometimes because we’ve been asked to, sometimes because there is simply no other choice.
We have good days and bad days. Days that we feel like we can change the world, make a difference, and days when we wish the world would swallow us up. End the turmoil of our lives. We are filled with guilt for the damage we’ve sometimes allowed to fester by not being perfect moms. By being selfish. By being human.
Once upon a time, my sister, you were a girl with a beautiful dream, and so was I. We were going to be mommies. We were going to share a lifetime of love and laughter with bright-eyed, dimpled children that would thrive under our care. We were going to foster or adopt and give a future to a child who had no future. Our hearts were loving, our motives were pure, we just didn’t know then what we know now. We didn’t know that damaged children take more than love and security and structure to heal. More than food on the table and a roof over their heads and clean clothes and new toys and a good education and piano lessons and band aids on skinned knees.
Our damaged children need to be loved perfectly, unconditionally, and completely. No matter what.
And herein lies the problem. We can’t do it, can we? We’ve tried and we’ve failed time and again. Our kids need the love that only Jesus can give, and we must wake up each day and surrender our mothering to Him. Or fail.
I used to feel entirely alone as a mom. Mothers of normal children simply cannot understand the depths of pain and shame and heartache and anger I have felt. The utter hopelessness. I still feel alone sometimes, but I’ve begun to hear whispers from other places…other mommies that are destitute in their despair, too. I know you are out there, sisters, somewhere under the veil of secrecy and guilt. And I need you to know something.
You are not alone. I understand exactly how you feel. You don’t even have to tell me, but I will listen if you need me to. I won’t judge you. I won’t hate you for how you feel. I won’t even be surprised. You are not a horrible mother for how a damaged child has changed you. Good days and bad days aside, you are and always have been one of the special, the few. The mommies that haven’t given up on beautiful even though it’s covered in ugliness, even though you sometimes wish you could run the other way. You have allowed yourself to be put into a place where God can use you to do miracles. And He will, if you let Him.
Your dreams are still beautiful. You are beautiful, my sister.
Once upon a time, I had a beautiful dream. I wanted to rescue children who had no hope and no dreams of their own. Be their mommy. It hasn’t worked out exactly as I’d planned or expected, but it has brought me here, to the point of surrender. And I’m discovering that this, in and of itself, is far more beautiful than anything I ever dreamed up on my own.
(courtesy of Red Letter Ink, click image to see more)
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Lisa Barry
I’m married to a man that makes me laugh so hard that I usually end up in tears. He was saved four years into our marriage, and then we turned our union over to God and His plans. God took our offer and blessed it with four children in two years (two through the foster care system and two through good old-fashioned baby-making), and then (surprise!) gave us another little biological squirt three years later. If you did the math, that’s five children in five years. Did I mention I’m insane? No seriously, God is good. He’s gently leading me down the paths of mothering, partnering with my incredible, Godly husband, dealing personally with impulsive ADHD, homeschooling, and helping our adopted kids overcome Attachment Disorders. I’ve got a long way to go, and most days I wonder how God could possibly love me with the absolute abandon that He does. I’m so thankful. I’m so blessed. I write about my life and my journey to overcome the worst of myself. Feel free to visit, but don’t expect perfection…the only good in me comes from Him.
Love is Enough in Adoption…But Can You Love This Way?
Love is enough in adoption.
Which is a statement that should have 50% of my friends making a double take and starting to panic that I have learned NOTHING so far in our adoption journey and gone around some sort of serious mental health corner. Hear me out on this one (and stop smiling Twisted Sisters…I said STOP!)
Love is enough in adoption.
If you are ready to say you love them a thousand times
and never hear it back.
It’s enough
if you are willing to lay down your comfort zone, your friends, your family,
and go with a child into dark places.
Places other people run from.
Places that scare the pants off you.
Love is enough when you can stand beside a child
who has done wrong.
Maybe horrible wrong -
Maybe minor.
And not take the place of punitive judge.
But that of intercessory supporter,
Because you know that no one else ever will.
Can you separate the behavior
from the child -
enough to continue loving them
even when they can’t stay in your home?
Even if they hurt you?
Even when they hate you?
Even if they ruin your dreams?
Love is enough in adoption.
But it isn’t the surface sort of love we think about.
Where we heal their wounds with Bible stories and home cooked meals.
Where children of trauma (inflicted both before and after birth)
Emerge as young adults who lead their peers in righteousness.
It can be a suffering, bleeding, crippling -
God filled and God ordained love.
Where we talk not of summer jobs and drivers licences
but of crisis care and safety plans.
Love is enough
but it might look
and taste
and feel
more like
the love that Christ taught us on the cross.
A different sort of love -
LOVE.
All capitals
On a separate line.
Because it’s the answer to the question
“Would you lay down your life for this child?’
Every
Single
Tiny
Piece
until it is gone?
Love is enough.
But it might take all of us
and it might not ever look or feel like progress in this life.
But it is LOVE.
And I believe that that is enough.
_________________________________
Dorothy has the fun of being the homeschooling mom to 11 wonderful kids. Learning the ups and downs of adoption, city life, hidden disabilities as well as learning to embrace the reality that we are all broken vessels being used for God’s glory. Read more of their journey on her blog Urban Servant.
The Mother
From March 18, 2012…
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There is a woman out there somewhere who is still grieving.
She is grieving because one year ago she gave birth to a tiny, beautiful little girl. A little girl she didn’t keep.
Did this woman give her daughter a name?
Did she trace the delicate, fair skin of her daughter’s face, and does she still dream of her daughter’s round cheeks and button nose?
How many days did it take to sleep through the night without waking up to feed her little one, the one who wasn’t there anymore?
Does she know that her daughter was loved? That her daughter found a home and arms and comfort?
And does she know that her daughter is in heaven?
I ache for Paige’s birthmother. I’m sure that she thinks of her little child today and every day, wondering if her baby got the help that she desperately needed. This woman must have been desperate. I think she knew that Paige needed more than a poor worker’s salary could provide. So she gave her up. She abandoned Paige to the life of an orphan because life as an orphan was better than death. And Paige’s mama loved Paige so much, that she was willing to break her own heart to give Paige a chance at life.
Because, you see, Paige had a very complex and serious heart disease.
Giving Paige up, leaving her alone, tore something sacred out of this mother’s heart. But she loved her baby and she knew that she was not able to provide adequately for her. She hoped that someone else might.
Did we provide adequately?
We were waiting until she was stronger before putting her body through the risky surgery that she would need. She was never too cold. She was never too hot. She got to go outside to breathe fresh air. She was given the chance to learn new things, like rolling over. Paige had just learned to roll over, and as I watched her balancing her chest, I dared to hope that the heart inside was being supernaturally healed.
Paige was prayed for. Paige was sung to. Paige was doted upon.
But the question that wracks my heart is, “why didn’t God allow for Paige to spend those 6 months in her mother’s arms, if she was just to die anyways.”
Because just as my heart is right now breaking, remembering Paige, the mama’s heart is surely cracking too.
I know that she remembers.
I hope that somewhere, deep inside her heart, she knows and has peace about her little pixie. I hope that she feels rest and comfort in her soul, knowing that Paige is in the one and only place where there will be no more tears, no more pain, no more desperate abandonments and no more orphans.
Especially today, on what would have been her first birthday.
In honor – in celebration – of Paige’s life, I am raising money to provide another little angel with the heart surgery she so desperately needs. Go to www.forliuyiandpaige.blogspot.com to find out how you can get involved.
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Hannah Samuels
When Hannah traveled to China in 2002 with her parents to adopt her sister Elisabeth, she fell in love with the country and people. In 2004, when her other sister Naomi was adopted, she started dreaming of going back. It took 5 years for that dream to come true. She now serves in a foster home for special needs orphans in China. Hannah spends her days studying, writing for the foster home and on her personal blog, Loving Dangerously, and most importantly, holding babies. Hannah loves the adventure of living overseas with her family. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
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Congrats to Cydil Waggoner who won the giveaway for the book A Cord of Three Strands!
Lots of You Asked for It, So Here You Go
Ok….like 5 people asked for it.
But since I am a stay at home mom and interact with exactly no one most days during the day
5 people is like a lot.
So here you go
my thoughts on older child adoption.
The question of how we “do” older child adoption
how the intricacies of that play out in our home
how their adjustment is
quite honestly sets me back a bit.
When asked about “Older child adoption” I have to wait for that “older child/hard to place” label that used to define them rise up from the recesses of my brain and come back into my frontal lobe….errr…cerebral cortex?…..I dunno….so that I can remember
because I truly don’t look at them as “older children”.
They just fit.
They fit perfectly into our family.
I don’t know that it is harder.
I don’t know that it is easier than adopting younger kids & cute squishy lil babies.
It’s just
well
different.
In the beginning in China it was fabulous.
They were old enough to somewhat have a grasp on what was happening.
All 3 came right to us.
(other than Joshua apparently thinking he was going to live in Italy….sorry buddy)
There were
No tantrums.
No tears.
Just pure
adrenaline induced
excitement.
For them
for us
we were one big group of really, really excited people.
Yet, ironically, if anything illustrates the udder brokenness of these orphans
it is that moment
because really,
children should not be that excited to be handed to
and walk off
with perfect strangers.
But they somehow know.
They know that what is to come
love
life
hope
a future
food
a bed
warmth
simply must be better than what they have now.
Because when I try to picture my biological children being handed over to strangers at the age of 7
and the definite opposite reaction that they would have
it illustrates just how big a void these kids sitting in those orphanages have.
There is nothing like a family.
There is
no
thing
like a family.
Practically, older kids just aren’t as needy in the physical sense and since we were far beyond diapers and nap times this worked well for us.
They could walk, go to the bathroom, understand that it was time for bed, shower, dinner.
(Man I am SO good at charades now. If anyone ever wants to play, let me know. I’ll kick your butt.)
This I knew was a key to our families successful transition.
These kids were in the same phase of life that we were already in so the adjustment on our part was minimal. (Not to trivialize adoption itself but in this specific context(as it pertains to age) it was a minimal impact.)
I think had we chosen to go back down baby lane it would have been much more difficult (for us).
We just weren’t there.
Our hearts weren’t there.
Our sports filled evenings and weekends weren’t there.
Our older kids weren’t there.
I knew how to do 7 year’s old.
Our youngest 5 are all within a 21 month block of time.
The twins are 6 minutes apart.
Push em out, push em out, waaaaaayyy out!
Sorry, that was a throwback to my brief cheer-leading days in high school.
But I digress…
Jacob is 14 months younger than the twins.
Joshua is 3 months younger than Jacob.
Joey is 4 months younger than Joshua.
If we could do anything,
we could do the 6-8 year old age range.
I knew what their maturity level was, what would appeal to them, how to speak to them.
We were there.
Granted, some of it may have been lost in translation but I think the message is this…
Kids are kids.
Red, yellow, black and white they, at their core, are kids.
Obviously
Experiences will color that,
Trauma will cover that,
Abandonment will change that,
Institutionalization will harm that
but somehow I could see right through all of that muck and mire
and I could see that underneath it all
there was a little boys heart.
I didn’t know how long it would take to unearth.
I didn’t know the hardships would come along
I didn’t know how much pain was in the process
but the heart
the heart is there
it’s just waiting.
It’s the uncovering of all of the “stuff” that comes along with adopting older kids that is where the challenge can rise up
and
smack
you
in
the
face.
So though I don’t change diapers
or warm bottles
or wake up for 3am feedings
and I don’t hurry home for nap time
I fight a battle that is larger than myself.
A battle that will consume them
if it weren’t for love.
So yes.
It’s hard.
I do sleep all night
They do go to school all day
but I have to be ever mindful that though their neediness doesn’t lie in the physical sense
there are still 3 little hearts under my roof that are still in a state of mending.
Because not only do I have my own parenting wisdom, tips, techniques and training to impart on them,
I am simultaneously un-parenting all of the bad habits, harsh words, and lack of love that they endured when I wasn’t there.
Have you ever tried un-parenting and parenting at the same time?
It’s ummmm……fun?
Nope.
Pretty sure that’s not the word I am looking for.
It’s not just “Hey buddy, this is how we do this.”
It’s “Hey buddy, I know that was how things were done before and I’m sorry that happened, ~ hug ~ hug~ but here’s why that’s not ok. Now let me show you what we do. ~ teach. train. model. ~ hug ~
Then it’s “Good job! I knew you could do it!” ~ hug~
All whilst speaking Chinglish and having about 50% of what you are telling them get lost in translation.
Repeat.
8,000 times a day.
They will be 14 years old before we ever even break even.
They will be 14 before their time in our family becomes longer than their days spent in an orphanage.
This is a marathon.
I am not who I used to be.
My patience is bigger
My heart is heavier
My joy is tempered.
Just like a normal marathon
it’s exhausting.
It takes an inordinate amount of energy
of patience
of love
of patience
of patience
of teaching
of training
of patience
of love
to bring these kids out of the darkness.
And if I’m being honest….
it.
empties.
me.
And if I’m being more honester. (yep I know, not a word)
it’s the reason I haven’t been blogging.
It takes SO much to be continually pouring love, encouragement, discipline, and training into these kids that I often find myself
empty.
And most days
when the sun has set
when 7 sleepy heads are happily snoring on their pillows
I have nothing left to give.
Are we happy?
Yep.
Would we do it again?
No doubt, yes.
Is it the hardest thing I have ever done?
A
b
s
l
u
t
e
l
y
Are there moments when I think to myself,
“Am I being punked?”
7 boys? Seriously?
Totally.
I vastly underestimated the amount of life training that they would need at their age.
Things like
A stove is hot.
You knock on the door before you walk into people’s houses, you can’t just walk in.
Seatbelts.
Walk on the sidewalk, not in the street.
Kindly do not remove the food from your plate that you don’t care for and place a big blob of it directly on the table.
Don’t walk down the hallway from your room to the bathroom stark neked. You’re 8.
Small things of course.
But when each and every moment,
each and every action
each and every transition
requires explanation it takes awhile to get the hang of that.
Rather…
it took me awhile to get the hang of that.
But last I checked my goal isn’t to take up residence on Easy Street,
I think that is a crowded, overpopulated neighborhood.
go.
serve
love.
be more like HIM
It’s what I want to do.
It’s where I want to live.
So is older child adoption really more difficult?
I don’t know.
It’s just
different.
________________________________________
Sonia M.
Sonia and her husband John are an Air Force family with 7 boys. She stays at home part time and spends the other part of her time shopping at Stuff-Mart buying large quantities of food to feed said boys. Sonia’s hobbies include cooking, cooking, cooking more, cleaning, cooking, and cleaning bathrooms. They are navigating their way through life attempting to glorify God in all that they do — follow the journey here.
Disruption
I cannot remember exactly when I was following her blog. We were either waiting to travel for Joy, or had just returned home with Joy. Whenever it was, I do remember not understanding why this woman would travel all the way to the other side of world to adopt a little boy, but change her mind once she met him. She never detailed her reasons, but people on the adoption forums made their assumptions. I admit that I, too, passed judgment on this lady, albeit quietly, not on forums. But that was before.
Disruption is a dirty word in the adoption community. Opinions are very strong on this topic. Many adoptive moms say that they would never even consider a disruption. And, I have to admit that it never once crossed our minds. When we started the adoption of Yang in 2008, we knew that she had a variety of delays. But, I also believed we could work through them. I did a lot of research and reading preparing myself for this adoption. While doing the paperwork, waiting, and doing more paperwork, I never once considered that we would not bring Yang home with us. Never. We were prepared.
We traveled in 2009 and met Yang in Nanchang. She looked just like her pictures with the happiest smile on her 8 or 9 year old face. Her delays terrified me. I thought I was prepared, but hindsight, no amount of reading could have prepared me for the face to face reality of the disabilities. I filled out paperwork, but could not rid myself of this gnawing feeling in my gut, this fear. We were her parents briefly. My husband and I talked, cried, prayed all night long as I watched this beautiful child sleep. Without going into details, we knew that Yang’s needs were so great. We had to make a decision for our family as a whole, not just what I wanted. We had 5 other children back home to consider, each that would be impacted greatly in one way or another. We chose not to continue the adoption. Shortly thereafter, the emails and comments came.The adoption forums started their discussions and judgments about our decision, all without even knowing what was happening in our lives.
It was not an easy decision. I never thought I would be in this situation…having to make this choice. We once had to make a decision about removing our child from life support. We could see our daughter deteriorating before our eyes, but we didn’t want to accept it. We knew we were prolonging the inevitable, unless God intervened. With both decisions came grief and the loss of a child. The feelings were the same.
One lady on a particular forum stated that those who choose to disrupt are not “good human beings”. Another stated it was just a wrong decision to disrupt. These are both judgmental attitudes. No one knows what a family is experiencing. No one knows their financial or emotional situation. A serious, unexpected special need could be detrimental to a family financially. No one knows what is happening with the other children in the home. One child at home could be resentful of the new sibling that takes mom or dad away many days a week for various therapies. Everyone has to make a decision based on what is best for their families at that particular time. If Yang had been our first or second child, I’m sure the outcome would have been very different.
With China special needs adoptions becoming more common than non-special needs, there may be more disruptions. My hope is that the adoption community would be one of support and not one that tears down. If you’ve never disrupted, you cannot understand what a family is going through. It would be like comforting a mother who just lost her child by saying, “I know how you feel. Our child ALMOST died.” I’ve heard people’s “almost disruption” stories numerous times. It is not the same.
I’ve learned never to say “never”. You may say you know in your heart you would never disrupt. I’m glad. I hope you are never put to the test. I’ve learned that I have limits and am not perfect. It is very humbling to leave China without your child.
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Cheri Mordick
Cheri lives in Virginia with her husband, Mike, of 23 years. They have 3 biological children, ages 20, 16, and 11. After struggling with many pregnancy losses, they felt God was calling them to adopt a little girl from China. Upon returning home from their trip in 2006 to adopt Eva, they became more aware of the need of orphans. They traveled to China again in 2007 to adopt Joy. Always having the older children on her heart, but feeling incapable, Cheri felt an older child was in their future for adoption. In February 2010, Cheri traveled alone to Guangdong, China to adopt 7-year-old Ivy. Cheri started blogging to share her travels to China with friends and family but has also enjoyed sharing the ups and downs of adoption and family life.
Following a God-agenda
I’ll admit it. Sometimes I sit in the playroom with a baby in my lap and wonder if anyone will ever adopt some of these children. I know what their special needs are. Words that are probably foreign to many are now part of my regular vocabulary… but that doesn’t make them any less scary for the potential mamas and babas. Seeing these words – these diagnoses – on a child’s file can’t do anything but make the kids seem more needy… more hopeless.
But do you know what I’ve been learning? I’ve been learning that it’s not the people who have adoption agendas that bring these sweet babies home. It’s not families who have necessarily decided to adopt from a specific country at a specific time for a specific reason… no, it’s not that at all.
It’s families who have a God-agenda driving them. They’re the ones who bring home kids who might not make it. Kids who may have many surgeries ahead of them. Little girls and boys who may just never learn how to behave.
And that doesn’t mean that it’s any easier for these families. Just because they’re not happily jumping into this ‘pool’ and instead are being bounced off of the diving board by an all-powerful God doesn’t mean that this adoption is going to be easy or safe. Parenting, loving… it’s going to be rather scary, I think.
I’ve seen some of the needs here. I’ve met little girls whom I know will have lots of trouble attaching and behaving, if they ever figure it out. Children who probably won’t grow up normally; little ones that might not make it through the unexpectedly expensive and draining surgery, if they make it up to the surgery at all.
The word palliative is scary. So what happens when that’s the word that the doctor gives after looking at your child’s medical file? Or maybe you see the word “delayed” pop up much too frequently on her file, and you wonder what it really means.
There’s a lot that goes on in an orphan’s life between the special needs listed on their adoption paperwork and their real physical, emotional, and psychological condition. Sometimes gains are made when they get home, sometimes they slowly regress. So often the sweet almond-eyed Asian beauty you bring home is nothing like who you expected him or her to be.
But I think that maybe I’ve figured it out. Maybe I now know why families bring these unexpected blessings and unanticipated struggles into their lives.
Because they don’t have a choice.
Someone put them on a God-roller coaster, and there’s no way to get off until the ride is over. A picture on an advocacy site pulled a heartstring that caused a lump in the throat that led to sleepless nights, and the rest was history! Suddenly that long, long list of heart defects and grim “doctor’s opinions” didn’t matter at all. The established fact that this child might not even live until Travel Approval was a nonissue. Daddies are crying, and Mama Bears go into full-swing paper chase mode.
And there’s nothing that they can do about it.
God’s given them a mission. Scared out of their wits, these families go forward. They’ve never met these children before, yet something inside of them has gone into overdrive, and they know that they have to do whatever physically possible for their children.
There’s a huge risk to being willing. Who knows where God will meet you, plop you into one of His amazingly scary roller coaster rides and off you’ll go. Screaming to get off because it’s scary is 100% normal, from my experience. Deep down, the ride is exhilarating because you know that it’s all-God. He’s not safe (but don’t worry, you won’t fall off of the roller coaster), but He’s good, and He has the whole situation under complete control. Even your frazzled brain and confused heart.
________________________________________
Hannah Samuels
When Hannah traveled to China in 2002 with her parents to adopt her sister Elisabeth, she fell in love with the country and people. In 2004, when her other sister Naomi was adopted, she started dreaming of going back. It took 5 years for that dream to come true. She now serves in a foster home for special needs orphans in China. Hannah spends her days studying, writing for the foster home and on her personal blog, Loving Dangerously, and most importantly, holding babies. Hannah loves the adventure of living overseas with her family. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.
Surrounded
As I write this I’m surrounded by kids. Half of them are Chinese orphans that are HIV+. Half of them are a combination of my wife and me; and all of us living in China. How we got to this place goes a little like this. My wife and I moved to China in 2008 with our first two biological kids. We wanted to study Chinese and be a light in whatever way we could. We went home for 6 months in 2010 to have our third child. When we returned to China, our lives took a dramatic turn.
We got a text late one night saying that there was an orphan who was put in isolation because she was HIV+ and had been abandoned. Our friends were writing a mass group of people in our city to see if anyone would donate money for her to live in a foster home or would be willing to take her in. My wife and I quickly made a decision that would impact the rest of our lives.
Within 3 days, Lily moved in with our family.
11 months later, two more HIV+ orphans needed a home. My wife came to me and suggested that we take them in, I suggested she was crazy. Less than a month later, they too were living with our family. That put our family at six kids under six.
And now, I want to share something new that my story is teaching me; it’s this, I’m broken.
Doing things that are bigger than our abilities is good for many reasons, one being, we become innately aware of our own brokenness. It’s in that brokenness that we can turn to God and find Him in new ways. Since our foster care journey began over a year ago, I’ve had many moments where I’ve been angry, moments where I’ve cried in frustration, and moments where I’ve had to take some honest looks in the mirror. Our life of fostering three kids and raising another three has shown me how much more I have to grow. Through it all, I’m reminded of my desperate need for God, for His miracles and for His help to get me through each day.
Maybe as you’re reading this you’re finding yourself nodding in agreement or realizing that you’ve been (or are) in the same place I am. My encouragement to you is this–you’re not alone. Not for one second.
My story right now is also reminding me of old truths. Of how my brokenness and weakness are where He is strong. That my God doesn’t give up on me even when I fail. That God’s love for me isn’t based on me meeting some condition. Of how He said He would never leave me. I’m also reminded of how amazing it is to be a father to six wonderful kids and how I wouldn’t change anything about it.
I don’t know where our story is going, like most things, it’s still incomplete. What I do know is this: I will remain surrounded by my amazing children and by my amazing God.
What are some things your journey has taught you about yourself and God?
________________________________________
Matt Peterson
Matt and his wife live in China with their three biological children and three HIV+ foster children. They hope to adopt their first foster daughter Lily when they turn 30. You can see more pictures of their family and read more of their journey here.
How We’re Doing, Really
This is a question I get all the time. “Everything sounds great, but how are you really doing?!” So today, right now, I’m going to spare you the “oh, good – we’re doing really good” answer, and give you the real deal. Raw and unabridged.
Because the truth is, we are doing good. Really good. But there is so, so much more to it than that.
The last 2+ months have been hard. They’ve been messy. They’ve been exhausting. They’ve been confusing. Any new mommy & daddy would say the same thing – newborn or otherwise. But bringing a 3 year old into a brand new family is different. Not harder or easier – just different. Carter came with an established personality – a muddy past – and an attachment to….well – no one, really.
I think I was naive to think that after we got home, if we just got that boy some love and some healthy food that we’d be on the road to success. In part, this is true.
Huge difference, right?!
We have seen the difference that a little lovin’ makes – and it’s huge. Monumental. But this 3 year old boy needs more than a little love and veggies.
Like discipline. How do you discipline someone you’re trying desperately to attach to? Very carefully. Being a preschool teacher for 7 years – I have all they keys to unlock the mysterious mind of a difficult preschooler. I know just what to say and just how to handle the most out-of-control child. And on top of that, they would love me in return. But Carter is different. He is fragile. Don’t let his healthy figure and cute smile fool you. He is fragile. He is trying to explore his world. His new world. He is working out, in his mind, all the exciting – intriguing – incredible things around him. And when I see his mind working, and the gears are turning – it’s hard for me to step in and say ‘NO!’. I do say no-no. Often. But each time, I wonder if that’s really what’s best. I know – he needs to learn discipline – and he does understand no-no. But this kid is just walking around, enjoying life. Totally sucking the marrow out of it. And we’re telling him ‘no-no’.
Sometimes, Carter gets a gentle hand tap. Enter, Christmas tree (so stinkin’ glad it’s gone!). And I know he needs that little slap, but as I’m doing it, I can’t help but wonder who has done it in the past. Not on his hands – but on his face, head, back…? And again, I wonder if that’s really what’s best.
See what I mean? Messy.
We are go-ers. Always on the go. It’s our nature. Being-doing-seeing-going is in our blood, somehow. But as a family who just brought home a 3 year old, ‘going’ should not be part of our daily activities. In fact – instead of being-doing-seeing-going, we should be sitting-listening-quieting-holding. It’s easier said than done, trust us. After spending 30+ days in a tiny apartment in Ukraine, we were ready to hit the ground running the day we got home. And we couldn’t. Then, after a week of staying home – we were ready to get back to our old being-doing-seeing-going ways. A tip to those of you about to embark on this incredible journey: When you think your child is ready for xyz, wait another week. When you think you’re ready for xyz, wait another 2 weeks. Once you let that person snuggle your baby, or you start running errands with your child, or whatever – it’s really, really hard to get it back. It’s nearly impossible to go back and say ‘you’re snuggling too much’ or to tell yourself ‘the errands can wait until later’ – because it’s already been done – so what can the harm be in doing it more?!
See what I mean? Exhausting. Confusing. This is the reality of adoption. I don’t ever want to make this journey look easy. It’s not.
That’s not to say that it’s not good. That it’s not incredible. Amazing. Rewarding. Because of course, it is all of those things. But it’s not easy.
So, as I’m sitting here enjoying my coffee – rambling on about attachment….my sweet boy is laughing big belly laughs in his highchair, enjoying the last bits of breakfast. Please, don’t misunderstand. We are so abundantly blessed. Incredibly happy. But don’t think for a second that this is a piece of cake.
It’s tough stuff – this adoption journey. But so, so worth it.
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Ashley Gibson
I’m a daughter of the Most High God – wife to the most incredible, Godly man I know – and, as of two months ago, a proud mama to a 3 year old boy with Down syndrome. When Jake & I married 5 years ago, we planned on chasing after the typical American Dream. We’re so grateful that God got a hold of us – shook us up a bit – and then spoke to us, loud & clear. I’m learning to step back, say ‘yes’ to God, and allow Him to pen our life story. I enjoy writing about our life – our son – parenting a child with special needs – adoption – and other random tidbits on our family blog.
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Are you interested in becoming a family for a little one with Down Syndrome? This little girl is hoping her family finds her soon. Email to be connected with the adoption agency who has her file.
You Are One
What If?
You were misunderstood, isolated, never held, never educated, had to wash your bedpan, had no concept of mom or dad, weren’t allowed to touch anyone else, but were actually perfectly normal by all appearances (except one unseen diagnosis)?
As crazy as this sounds, this is the story of Xiao Ling, a 3 year old from Zhonshan, China.
For many reasons, HIV is not something China has a lot of experience dealing with. Subsequently, many of the same misconceptions, misunderstandings, and unjustified fears of years past are the norm. Xiao is HIV positive but is being dealt with as if he has leprosy and can’t be touched or isn’t worth educating. Through a random posting, I encountered this article about Xiao, and it has touched something deep within me and Melissa.
I should probably back up and explain why. In November, we attended an annual fundraising banquet. It’s extremely encouraging to be around so many like minded people wanting to defend the fatherless. The theme was ONE, that you can help one, it only takes one person to make difference, etc…something we’ve always shared with people who ask why we’ve chosen the path we have for our family.
Heading into the banquet, Melissa and I were at the point of praying for where God would lead us next on our orphan advocacy journey. We both had prayed and agreed we were not supposed to go down the traditional adoption path again; fill out application, pick a country, wait for a referral, etc. We simply agreed we knew we were to be at the ready when God calls to act, and this is where we’ve been for many months.
In the midst of the banquet, while David Platt was speaking, our new path became apparent to me. We were to advocate for the orphaned in China who have been diagnosed as HIV+. I didn’t mention this immediately to Melissa as I needed to make sure this “stuck” if you know what I mean. We’ve all been swept up in the emotion of an event to only wonder later what in heaven’s name were we thinking?! The clarity around this never subsided in the coming weeks, so I finally shared my heart with Melissa at the next opportunity. I told her we should make it known that we are willing and ready to help ONE child in China who has been diagnosed HIV+. She hardly blinked and said YES.
Very shortly after, while searching adoption and orphan stories, I found the above article and simply sent it to Melissa because it was in line with our discussions. Not so much to say “here is a child,” but to begin the discussion around the apparent need. If you read the article, it states this boy is not adoptable (which isn’t correct), and it didn’t state what orphanage he is in. Through some internet sloothing, I believe we’ve found the orphanage and have talked with an adoption agency who has previous experience getting HIV+ children adopted into the US. They have indeed been able to help us locate him, and we are now waiting to hear what can be done for him. At the minimum, he needs someone to go there and love on him.
So, at this time, we are advocating for Xiao. Whether he is to be a Freeman some day is unknown but we are trying to see if there is a foster family near him willing to take him or anything to get him out of his “jail” like conditions.
He is ONE boy.
Made in the image of God.
Who needs ONE person to make a difference.
Please join us in praying for Xiao and how God can use us to help and advocate for him.
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I’m an Educator by trade, father of 5 (2 internationally adopted), love participating in triathlons and have been a Christian since my early teens. I am currently the Vice President of Academic Affairs for Virginia College’s online division based out of Birmingham, Al and quickly becoming overwhelmed (in a good way) with volunteer work with Lifesong for Orphans and their international orphan care ministry along with organizing short term missions recently at our church. Read more from Chris and how God has already worked on behalf of Xiao on Chris’ blog.
The Joys of Boys
I come across this video on one of my favorite blogs at an hour far too early to be out of my bed. Taking a sip of coffee and pouring puffs across Gabriel’s high chair tray, I drowsily push the play button…
Way too soon for the caffeine to have reached my veins, I am jolted awake.
There is one special need, ironically, that often is the barrier to a child ever finding a permanent home. Being and orphan and being born a BOY…
Can that really be true?
As the mother of two little guys whose boy-filled ways melt my heart daily, it is hard to fathom.
By the time that first sweet little face fills my screen, a lump begins rising in my throat and my eyes threaten to brim over.
And then…some of the reasons to consider adopting a boy:{deep breath}
Because a boy’s laugh is contagious…Because it’s never too soon to buy that first truck…Boys have dreams, too…Boys are soft and sweet…Because playing sports is fun…Because we need more cowboys…Because who else can make a suit look so good…Because we all need a superhero…Because boys love a good adventure…Because boys are gorgeous, too…Because brothers are a wonderful thing…Because boys love playing outside…Because every little boy deserves a family…
The tears are now flowing freely because these truly are the joys my boys bring to my life and, oh, how I know the list can go on!
I adore my little men and find myself smitten with all the things that delight their wild hearts. For someone who has always been a bit of a girly girl (my interests growing up being dancing, singing, acting, art, and anything beautiful), there has been a shift of focus for sure, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s amazing how my love for them has transformed the world around me too. Creepy crawlies have gone from being, well, creepy to really fascinating and what is a day without a good sword fight, cool cars, and at least one game that involves throwing, catching, kicking or hitting some kind of a ball. Life with them in it is good for me…very, very good.
This gratitude for the gift of their little lives in mine is quickly adding gravity to the harsh reality playing across my computer screen. My heart is being torn right in two as I contemplate others just like Jack and Gabriel who are hurting and lonely waiting for a mommy and daddy to come and make them family.
I find myself already responding to questions implied but as yet unasked and I wonder…
Do I DARE?!
Is it wise to let myself go where this train of thought is going to take me? Because once it leaves the station, there is going to be no turning that puppy around. We’re not talking so much along the lines of, “What’s one more?” but more to the effect of, “Why not pack this house with little boys”? A glimpse of my future is coming into focus that resembles a football team, and I can smell the stinky feet already.
Lord, give me strength.
I try to shake it from my mind and tell myself that what I really need is more sleep. Gabriel’s late night feedings and early morning wake-up calls are getting to me more than I realized, and I have to regain my grip on reality…
Or do I?
For I know it to be true that God’s thoughts are not our thoughts nor are His ways our ways. And the wisdom of the Lord is foolishness in the eyes of the world. This craziness does seem to have His fingerprints all over it. This is the way He consistently speaks to my soul and asks me to follow Him along paths as yet unknown. Will I cast out into the deep and lower my nets for a catch? Will I step out of the boat into the raging waters and keep my eyes fixed on Him?
And then, there they are in plain view, written on my screen, the questions my heart had already been asking and I know their answers have already been given.
Can you open your heart to a little boy?…And open your life to adventure?…Every baby boy needs a momma…There are thousands of little boys right now who are dreaming of just one person to believe in them…
Oh, my heart…I can’t take it! Seriously, it really is too much, as if the voice of God Himself is asking me to love his little ones, to be a mother to his sons.
Could that person be YOU?
Game over. Every fiber of my being is shouting, “YES”!
Now I am praying, pleading…Oh God, please let this be done in me, in my family. Allow us this gift, the tremendous blessing of raising your sons. May they grow to be men after your own heart. God let them know the unfathomable love of the Father to the fatherless. Let us show them One who has heard their cries, who has not allowed one tear to fall unnoticed and who will not leave them abandoned as orphans forever.
I can barely wait for Johnny to wake up so that he can see what I am seeing and know what I am knowing….
The poor guy isn’t even greeted with a good morning much less given the chance to make his way to the coffee pot before I pull him over to my laptop. Sure enough, I’m crying again before it has even begun, and he wraps his arms around me as he watches the screen. I can feel his embrace tighten as this truth, one we hadn’t known before this morning sinks in.
I’m not one to cry very easily or often but when I do…well, let’s just say that it’s not pretty. I somehow manage to sob, “Did that have the same effect on you that it had on me”? He jokes that he doesn’t think it could affect anyone as much as it had me. But through the smile on his face, there is an intensity in his eyes and I know.
He sees what I am seeing and knows what I am knowing…
Our sons are out there somewhere, waiting for us bring them home.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9
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Alison Oertle
Alison Oertle is a wife and mother who works in full time ministry at her Church and serves women and families as a FertilityCare Practitioner. Just when she thought life was settling into a comfortable and somewhat predictable routine, God laughed. As it turns out, a new vision for her future is being revealed that promises to shake things up a bit and involves sharing Christ’s heart for the orphan. Her family is hopeful and excited to see where the glorious unknown will lead as they strive to be faithful to the call. Read more of Alison’s story, a lot of the ordinary day-to-day alongside her deep thoughts about the things that matter most, as the Oertle’s adoption journey unfolds at Let Us Begin.
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Wanna see a very special 17-month old boy who is waiting for his family to say yes to him?
Come swoon over this beautiful child.
More information available if you are interested in learning more about him.
