Tammy Williams
Just like it but different
I sat on the footstool in the middle of the dark garage bawling my eyes out. Exhausted, obviously emotional and the proud new mother of a four year old. I had dreamed of this season of life for years, and after months of paperwork, I should have been over the moon.
I was….but so much more.
I had a good silent cry and was considering the half gallon of cookie dough ice cream in our freezer. On the way to the freezer my dear hubby said a few words that jolted me.
“You felt just like this when the other two were infants. It is just like having a newborn.”
Those two simple sentences helped me so much. I just needed to label it. I was exhausted from being up in the night with a child who was trying to adjust to a new home and a new family. It was like fighting a world war to get the sweet girl to sleep and then we threatened everyone within miles who might make noise. We were trying to figure out how much she ate, what she wanted to eat and when. I never knew when she would cry and I was learning how to soothe her. Just like having an infant.
Like my dad used to joke….just like it but different.
(Besides no diapers!) The major difference was the lack of grace extended.
When you have a newborn everyone bends over backwards to help. They peek at your screaming bundle, smile, and call him cute. You are expected to get up in the middle of church. You are called a good mom when you stand at the nursery door to “check one more time that he is okay.” Even the dark circles under my eyes and the few extra pounds from late night ice cream snacks were accepted.
Somehow when the same things were happening with my new daughter….the grace wasn’t extended. No smiles when our new daughter was having a meltdown at the library and I had no idea what to do. And I certainly wasn’t showing myself grace as I wept in the garage. ”What was wrong with me? How could I be so tired and so emotional?” I moaned as I went for my comfort snack.
Heading into our second adoption I joked that it was like a paper pregnancy. Here is the other side of the story. It takes your body some time to bounce back after that paper-pregnancy. Okay, okay this might be extending the metaphor a bit too far, but hang in there with me! I am in the midst of an emotional adjustment.
Kinda cool actually.
I love that I am going through this adjustment right alongside of them. They are not alone. I am in this messy transition too.
What helps when my two year old is pitching the tantrum of the century in the grocery store parking lot because he doesn’t like the car seat? As I am getting the stink eye from the whole town who seem to be at the store at that blessed moment – I remember that he is only 6 weeks old. He has the family age of 6 weeks….he is learning that I will meet his needs just like I am learning that shopping right after nap times doesn’t seem to work well. We are learning together.
Give us a few more weeks. The bags under my eyes should be gone and we will shop with more confidence. Until then – I need to go sleep when the toddler sleeps.
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Tammy Williams
Tammy has an amazing husband and four fantastic kiddos who keep her hopping. She counts it a blessing to have such a family and is burdened by those in the world who don’t. After living in China for several years and volunteering as an art teacher in a local orphanage, she is changed. She learned that orphans in China are normal, sweet, loving children who are hoping, wishing and praying for a family to call their own. She couldn’t adopt all of her students so she is on a mission to tell others about the joys of adoption. Check out her blog Casting A Stone.
Adoption is hard
My heart is heavy this morning – burdened by families who I know and love who are struggling with their adopted children.
These kids come into our families from hard places where they have experienced unthinkable traumas. We have hope for our kids to heal and to learn how to be a part of a family again, but sometimes the road to healing is a long one – which isn’t always understood by folks watching from the outside.
I will never forget the day I taught a painting class at the orphanage in XN, where we lived for 4 years. I had paint kits for each child – with extras so they could choose which kit they wanted to work on. I stood before the class telling them they could choose. That is when all hell broke loose. There really are no other words to describe the chaos that followed. A fist fight broke out and I stood in shock. The nannies who were helping me pulled the “bullies” off of the other children and I ran to comfort the child who had received the worst of the blows.
I bent down and scooped up the 8 year old boy – who was one of my favorites in the class. I cradled him in my arms and began to softly speak to him as I rubbed his head. That is when the tears came in full. He pushed me away and began to scream and roll on the ground.
I recognized my mistake quickly. I am a mom at heart – I wanted to comfort my sweet little friend, but I had caused him more pain than the punch of his classmate. Being held in my arms was to much. He didn’t know how to respond. Didn’t understand the love of a mother.
His reaction haunts me. But it helps me to understand the hard work that is ahead of most adoptive parents. Our children, for many different reasons, have been denied the basic needs of feeling loved, safe and cared for. It hurts them in depths of their souls. One hug after a punch won’t fix that.
What would?
only a miracle from God the Father. I am watching God work that miracle in our little monkey. Nightmares slowly cease. Trust is built. Love is learned. But man – have we needed a bucket full of grace and a lot of prayer as those things have happened.
I guess that is what this post is about. Grace & Prayer.
When I am carrying my 5 year old on my hip – don’t look at me like I am an over indulgent mom. Understand, my girl was never carried as a baby. When she throws a temper tantrum over being left at Sunday school, understand she doesn’t trust me to come back to pick her up. When my little monkey spits out the food you serve our family, please remember she never had tasted cheese till a few months ago. Her new life is so foreign to her. Please show her grace and pray for our family.
Grace.
Thankful God has extended it to me – so that I can extend it to my dear daughter – so that I can pray for other adoptive families and extend it to them as well. What a gift it is (and will be) to see the healing and transformation take place in the lives of our kids. Daily I am thankful that God has given me a front row seat to watch his hand at work.
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Tammy Williams
Tammy has an amazing husband and four fantastic kiddos who keep her hopping. She counts it a blessing to have such a family and is burdened by those in the world who don’t. After living in China for several years and volunteering as an art teacher in a local orphanage, she is changed. She learned that orphans in China are normal, sweet, loving children who are hoping, wishing and praying for a family to call their own. She couldn’t adopt all of her students so she is on a mission to tell others about the joys of adoption. Check out her blog here.
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