Cheri M.
Disruption
I cannot remember exactly when I was following her blog. We were either waiting to travel for Joy, or had just returned home with Joy. Whenever it was, I do remember not understanding why this woman would travel all the way to the other side of world to adopt a little boy, but change her mind once she met him. She never detailed her reasons, but people on the adoption forums made their assumptions. I admit that I, too, passed judgment on this lady, albeit quietly, not on forums. But that was before.
Disruption is a dirty word in the adoption community. Opinions are very strong on this topic. Many adoptive moms say that they would never even consider a disruption. And, I have to admit that it never once crossed our minds. When we started the adoption of Yang in 2008, we knew that she had a variety of delays. But, I also believed we could work through them. I did a lot of research and reading preparing myself for this adoption. While doing the paperwork, waiting, and doing more paperwork, I never once considered that we would not bring Yang home with us. Never. We were prepared.
We traveled in 2009 and met Yang in Nanchang. She looked just like her pictures with the happiest smile on her 8 or 9 year old face. Her delays terrified me. I thought I was prepared, but hindsight, no amount of reading could have prepared me for the face to face reality of the disabilities. I filled out paperwork, but could not rid myself of this gnawing feeling in my gut, this fear. We were her parents briefly. My husband and I talked, cried, prayed all night long as I watched this beautiful child sleep. Without going into details, we knew that Yang’s needs were so great. We had to make a decision for our family as a whole, not just what I wanted. We had 5 other children back home to consider, each that would be impacted greatly in one way or another. We chose not to continue the adoption. Shortly thereafter, the emails and comments came.The adoption forums started their discussions and judgments about our decision, all without even knowing what was happening in our lives.
It was not an easy decision. I never thought I would be in this situation…having to make this choice. We once had to make a decision about removing our child from life support. We could see our daughter deteriorating before our eyes, but we didn’t want to accept it. We knew we were prolonging the inevitable, unless God intervened. With both decisions came grief and the loss of a child. The feelings were the same.
One lady on a particular forum stated that those who choose to disrupt are not “good human beings”. Another stated it was just a wrong decision to disrupt. These are both judgmental attitudes. No one knows what a family is experiencing. No one knows their financial or emotional situation. A serious, unexpected special need could be detrimental to a family financially. No one knows what is happening with the other children in the home. One child at home could be resentful of the new sibling that takes mom or dad away many days a week for various therapies. Everyone has to make a decision based on what is best for their families at that particular time. If Yang had been our first or second child, I’m sure the outcome would have been very different.
With China special needs adoptions becoming more common than non-special needs, there may be more disruptions. My hope is that the adoption community would be one of support and not one that tears down. If you’ve never disrupted, you cannot understand what a family is going through. It would be like comforting a mother who just lost her child by saying, “I know how you feel. Our child ALMOST died.” I’ve heard people’s “almost disruption” stories numerous times. It is not the same.
I’ve learned never to say “never”. You may say you know in your heart you would never disrupt. I’m glad. I hope you are never put to the test. I’ve learned that I have limits and am not perfect. It is very humbling to leave China without your child.
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Cheri Mordick
Cheri lives in Virginia with her husband, Mike, of 23 years. They have 3 biological children, ages 20, 16, and 11. After struggling with many pregnancy losses, they felt God was calling them to adopt a little girl from China. Upon returning home from their trip in 2006 to adopt Eva, they became more aware of the need of orphans. They traveled to China again in 2007 to adopt Joy. Always having the older children on her heart, but feeling incapable, Cheri felt an older child was in their future for adoption. In February 2010, Cheri traveled alone to Guangdong, China to adopt 7-year-old Ivy. Cheri started blogging to share her travels to China with friends and family but has also enjoyed sharing the ups and downs of adoption and family life.
Mother’s Day Week: Thoughts on the Mothers
When we adopted Eva and Joy, I did not think about their birth mothers very often. Yes, they crossed my mind at certain milestones but not on a regular basis. Now that the girls are older, I’m older, and we have Ivy, I cannot help but think about their mothers. What were their reasons for giving up their daughters?
I wonder about Ivy. Was she abandoned because of her cleft? Maybe her mother could not afford to repair her lip? Was she scared by what she saw? Or is a sweet image of her newborn daughter forever stamped upon her mind?
Eva’s abandonment was obviously not because of her physical appearance or abilities. She was a beautiful, healthy, baby girl. I don’t know how her mother or father came to the decision they made. Was Eva the firstborn child? A girl, when they wanted/needed a boy? Was she a second child that the parents could not afford yet could not abort. Was her birth mother unwed? There are so many questions that I cannot answer for my sweet daughter.
Of course, with Joy, I have the same thoughts as with Ivy. Joy’s disability is a birth defect on her hand, probably amniotic banding. I know for me, I was not bothered by that. Maybe it was more than a young mother wanted? Joy is from a very small village near Wuchuan, a farming community. Was her family too poor to care for Joy?
Do their mothers think of these girls around their birthdays? Do they have regrets? Did they hope for more for their daughters? Did they know it was possible they’d be adopted and move to America? As I look at my daughters’ hands, I wonder whose hands they have? Their mothers’? Their fathers’?
Who does Eva get her snorty laugh from? Did Ivy always have such a gentle disposition about her? Did either of Joy’s parents have her temper? Whatever their reasons are, I’m thankful that they did choose life for their daughters. I’m thankful that I’ve been given the wonderful blessing of being their mother. I’ve not yet had to explain any of these things to my daughters. But, when a question as simple as “Why do we have belly buttons?” sets off a trail of thoughts through my mind, I’m thankful I have some time for God to give me words of wisdom because I don’t have it all figured out. But, being a mom, loving my children the way I do, I can only believe that these mothers loved their daughters in a way I cannot comprehend.
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Cheri Mordick
Cheri lives in Virginia with her husband, Mike, of 23 years. They have 3 biological children, ages 20, 16, and 11. After struggling with many pregnancy losses, they felt God was calling them to adopt a little girl from China. Upon returning home from their trip in 2006 to adopt Eva, they became more aware of the need of orphans. They traveled to China again in 2007 to adopt Joy. Always having the older children on her heart, but feeling incapable, Cheri felt an older child was in their future for adoption. In February 2010, Cheri traveled alone to Guangdong, China to adopt 7-year-old Ivy. Cheri started blogging to share her travels to China with friends and family but has also enjoyed sharing the ups and downs of adoption and family life.
Be Honest With Me
“Is it hard to love your three girls like your own?” asked an acquaintance last week. I have to admit that a million thoughts ran through my mind in the 10 seconds it took for me to answer her. I thought about the day my first adopted daughter was placed into my arms. When we looked into each others’ eyes, I was looking at a stranger. She did not look like my other children. She smelled, had snot dripping all over the place and dirt in crevices not meant to see dirt. But, they said she was mine.
Then, a year later, I was given Joy with strange behaviors caused by her life in an orphanage. Joy, the one who cried that first week whenever you moved her, the one our whole family thought had lifetime disabilities. But, again, she was mine.
Then came the biggie in 2010, adopting a 7 year old. How can I love this older child who obviously does not want anything to do with me? She screamed and ran when it was time to leave the Civil Affairs office. She tried bolting out the door of the hotel room when the orphanage worker left us. She moaned like a caged animal that first day. How could I love her like my own when she was already 7 years old and molded by other people? When the workers asked if she wanted me to be her mother she did not reply. She did not want to be my daughter, so how could I love her? Again, they told me she was mine.
Then, all the memories came to my mind, and I held them in my heart. There were many tears from both mother and daughters. There was/is so much guidance, correction, encouragement, love, discipline, hugs, kisses, cuddles, just like I give “my own.” So, I replied to the lady, “They are my own and, no, it is not hard to love them like ‘my own.’” Every last one of them.
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Cheri Mordick
Cheri lives in Virginia with her husband, Mike, of 23 years. They have 3 biological children, ages 20, 16, and 11. After struggling with many pregnancy losses, they felt God was calling them to adopt a little girl from China. Upon returning home from their trip in 2006 to adopt Eva, they became more aware of the need of orphans. They traveled to China again in 2007 to adopt Joy. Always having the older children on her heart, but feeling incapable, Cheri felt an older child was in their future for adoption. In February 2010, Cheri traveled alone to Guangdong, China to adopt 7-year-old Ivy. Cheri started blogging to share her travels to China with friends and family but has also enjoyed sharing the ups and downs of adoption and family life.
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