I’ve spent the better part of every day for the past week stalking my friends in China.
I’ve watched Gotcha Day come and go. Watched orphanage visits come and go. And watched as my friends try to help their little ones go through this very traumatic time.
I go from happy for these little loves and the future they NOW HAVE in front of them.
The future that up until three days ago was dark, at best.
But, now their lives have taken a 180 degree turn and have future that now holds MUCH promise.
But, then I have cried. Ugly cries. Tears streaming, hardly able to catch my breath, type of cries.
When I see the pictures of these sweet little loves who are so hurting so deeply.
They are scared.
They are confused.
They are grieving the loss of their loved ones, their nannies.
I can HEAR in my head the cry of a little four year old adopted on the same day as Grace… it was the deepest gut level scream you can imagine. I will never forget that sound. As his nannies walked out of the building. Oh man. I remember it like it was yesterday.
You see, these children didn’t ask for this. They didn’t ask for a family. They don’t even know what a family is.
We think we know that this is better for them. It is. There are no doubts about that. A life in a an orphanage is NOT a life for any child.
But, adoption is routed in deep and profound loss. Several losses in fact.
Grief for everything that has been lost to them.
It is absolutely heart wrenching to watch. To experience.
It is these days that I hate adoption. I hate that this children have to suffer through this. NO CHILD should have to experience this pain.
So, when someone says Grace is “lucky”… I want to scream.
I mean, I know a compliment is being paid, they are merely commenting that she is lucky she now has a family. And maybe they are trying to say that we are “good family”.
But LUCKY? ACK!
Grace and others that have come through this journey before her and those that have come after her…. they have suffered more than any child should have to suffer. They have experienced loss like no child should. They have experienced profound pain.
So, next time you want to say the word “lucky” in terms of adoption . . . give it a quick thought. Maybe there is a better way to say what you mean to say.
and certainly, don’t ever. ever. ever. tell one of these children they are lucky. Because, they might not feel so lucky. and saying it to them might make them feel like they SHOULD feel lucky, and that is just unfair.
Deb has been married to her husband, Steve, for 10 years. They have been blessed with four children, ages 9, 6, 4, and 1. The littlest is from Henan Province, China and joined their family in February 2011. You can follow their ups, downs, giggles, tears, and chaos of their family, now a full family of 6, here.