Things I’ll Never Tell You
I’ll never tell you how much this hurts.
The waiting, wondering, not knowing. Loving someone who you can’t touch, who isn’t real. Feeling an ache, a hole. And then out of nowhere that feeling turns into a sharp pain, as your gasping for air, a moment in time when life literally seems to have been sucked from your body. Why? Because that is all she is…a feeling.
I’ll never tell you that I contemplate the potential I am going insane.
As I check my email upwards of twenty times a day, constantly wonder what time it is in Taiwan, and burst into tears when I wake up and have no emails. Because while I sleep, she could be awake. The people who hold my future in their hands are awake. And when I wake up and realize I will have to survive another 12-16 hours before I can crawl into bed and dream about waking up to some sort of morsel of news…it feels like a wasted life.
I’ll never tell you I question God.
As I sit alone in Adelyn’s nursery, struggling to believe she’ll ever be real. As I wonder why this road was chosen for me. Why didn’t I ever even want to be pregnant? Did I cause this for myself? Did my dream of adoption first render me incapable of being pregnant ever? Why can’t I just go back to being the me I was a year ago? The me that was 100% healthy, the me that actually had a choice.
Are You sure, God? Where is she God? When?
I’ll never tell you how deep the words can cut.
From the friends, family, and strangers who don’t understand. When I am attacked for past fundraising and called a beggar. When my intentions are misconstrued and my heart is dragged through the mud. When someone tells me “I never really thought your daughter would come from Taiwan anyways.” “You should just try and have your own.” “If it’s so difficult maybe your not doing the right thing.”
But those questions bring out the mother in me…
I don’t care where she is – God will be sure we find each other.
Yes this will happen. When God is ready, this will happen.
And no – I don’t want to risk my life or my unborn child’s life to “give it a go.”
It seems that it’s in those moments where I’m at my lowest that God calls on my mothers heart to remind me that He gave me one. And that our Kayla made it beat in that sweet and knowing rhythm.
You didn’t hear any of this from me.
Brooke is a beloved daughter of Christ and a dedicated social worker who lends her expertise to the lives of over 30 children with disabilities. She is a passionate advocate for both the disability community as well as adoption and her passion is rooted in her adopted brother, Brad, who has down syndrome. Brooke has been detailing the ups and downs of the journey she and her husband Michael have been on as they set out to adopt from Taiwan but just recently started blogging about the amazing story of receiving their new bundle of joy…from Florida…sweet Adelyn.