“Good” is overused, meaningless and conveys almost no information… Although we always seem to ask expecting this answer:  How are you doing? How’s it going?  Good.

Lately when asked, How are you, my response is simply, “We’re surviving.”  I suppose that’s the kind of response you’re supposed to give when something really horrid has happened, but I’m rather upbeat about simply surviving.  I guess I’m having trouble defining “good.”  What would qualify as feeling genuinely good?  I am for the most part a happy mommy and friend.  The biggest pressing issues in my life are diapers, dinners and disciplining a six-year-old for running over the neighborhood kid’s fingers with his rip stick.  But I’d still say we are in survival mode instead of smooth sailing… And I’m totally ok with that.

It’s like I’m setting up realistic expectations for myself… if my response was “good” there would be pressure to live up to that, but a cheerful, “Surviving” correctly conveys the reality that THIS IS HARD and by golly I’m doing it!   We have just passed the sixth month mark of being home with baby E and as we expected, this has been a challenge… but it’s been a challenge in ways I didn’t predict.  What I thought was going to be difficult was our two boys we were bringing a baby sister home to, particularly my younger son.  But they’ve fallen head over heals in love with their sister and the transition for them was the easiest.

I know I’m blessed in so many ways, my complaints are few, petty, and seem silly to list.  But added all together I am frequently overwhelmed.  What I struggle with has less to do with being a family blessed by adoption and more to do with dealing with a pre-two child again.  Don’t get me wrong, E has been SUCH a blessing and for the most part is a great kid.  But there is a part of me that struggles with messes, the temper tantrums, and extra noise that goes along with being 19 months old.

If I expected my home to ever stay in a state of cleanliness for more than a few hours I’d be pulling my hair out… and that kind of gets to the point.  I don’t expect to be doing good, which might be defined as a clean floor without dried banana stains and squished Craisins. Good would be a home with empty laundry baskets and clothes neatly put away.  Good would be a relaxing dinner out that didn’t include a pile of food scattered under the table.

Sometimes folks need to hear that life is not a piece of cake, so they have permission to feel the same.  What other adoptive families  shared that has helped me the MOST is that once you get home, don’t set yourself up for failure with unreasonable expectations. Adoption is hard, and that’s ok.  It’s helps SO much going into this expecting struggles.

Here is the thing… I’m cool with not being “good.”  I’m happy simply “surviving” because yes, a year ago I longed for this, fought for this, and prayed for this. It’s still hard… and I guess in some way I want to make sure others know. My house may be trashed, the laundry WAY overdue but I played ring around the rosy for half an hour with a one year old!  I am proud that I am doing this, perhaps not perfectly… but we’re doing it. We’re figuring out how to be a family of four.

_______________________________________

Erika Ives is a single mother to three children; two boys (bio) and a daughter who joined the family through the blessing of adoption. Erika works as a music teacher and is currently studying to get her Masters in Secondary Education.