Guys, it is 6:00 in the morning here, and I am wide awake.
If you know me, you know this is quite unusual for me.
It’s not because of nerves. It is because I woke up from a dream with some fresh revelation, and I had to write it down lest I forget.
I was dreaming about a dear lady we know who is single. In my dream, she was telling me that she had decided to start the process to adopt. I immediately hugged her and started to cry and jump up and down with her. Then, in my dream, I froze because I realized that my adoption of Lily was complete in the dream, and I felt something inside me that completely surprised me.
I felt jealous.
Jealous that it was happening to someone else and not me again.
Sad because in my heart I wanted to do it all over again.
This emotion was so shocking that it actually woke me up from a deep sleep.
WHAT??? Then, at that very moment it dawned on me…
Why can’t I be good at this??
I was good at birthing babies. (Miss Scarlett) Really. Not bragging on anything but the grace of God, but I was good at it. I enjoyed the entire experience. I had two of the three naturally with no pain other than the kind that comes from REALLY had work. It was a great experience, and I have said many times…
If it wasn’t for the raising the kids part, I would have 100 babies!
Well, why can’t I be good at this adoption thing?
And why be afraid of the raising the kids part?
Why can’t this be exactly what God has created me for?
Most of the reasons that I haven’t wanted alot of children is because of fear. Fear that exists because of selfishness. (I am being honest about ME here. This doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone.) I am selfish. I enjoy my sleep. I enjoy a good book in a quiet room. I enjoy a massage. I really miss the theatre and have wished for some time that I could get back up there and show the world what I was GOOD at. Kids mess all that up. They would steal that from me. (Again, honesty.)
But maybe, just maybe, I have been missing it. Maybe all the gifts and abilities He gave me are for this right here. Maybe my whole life has been leading up to this VERY MOMENT!
These are the reasons why I have always shied away from the thought of having more children. These are the reasons why I didn’t want to adopt in the first place. I didn’t want to be good at this because of my own selfishness and fear. Yet, if I believe what the Word of God says, “Give. And it shall be given unto you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.” (Anna’s translation) Then, why should I be afraid to give myself away. Will God not return it to me with more blessing than I can keep up with?
Here I am, at this moment, a completely changed woman. I am going to be good at this!! I fully believe that every gift and ability He has given me has created me for this moment. Not that I am some great, talented person, but what God has called us to do “He is able also to perform it.”
I am going down to the civil affairs office to meet my new daughter today, and I am going to be good at it because God has called me, and HE is able. This is NO DOUBT what I have been created for!
I have always held my family MOST dear. I fight every year to get together with ALL our brothers and sisters. Our nieces and nephews. Our parents. Maybe family is what I was meant for, what I am GOOD at. Even though I would have NEVER believed that.
And truly, as many times as God would ask me to do this, I will. Maybe I was meant to be the old woman who lived in the shoe. Except, I will be the one who does know what to do. Lean on my Savior, who has equipped me to be a mother.
To sing and dance for them.
To teach them.
To love and cherish them.
No matter where they are from.
I am signing off. I hope this all makes sense. I am feeling refreshed and revived. I have already cried much and I haven’t even met her yet. Also, you can bet my posts won’t be this long again for awhile so go ahead and read it all- just this once.
Anna Lokey and her husband Shaun have been married 11 years. They have the joyful privilege of parenting four little girls. Three biological (Zoe-8, Hazel-5, Sophie-3) and the fourth, Lily (age 2), recently adopted from China. Anna is a homeschool mom trying everyday to bring up their girls in a loving, Jesus-centered home! She and her husband help lead worship at their church and serve in the children’s ministries. Anna enjoys reading, working out, and playing pretend with her girls. You can read more about them and their Anything but LoKEY life on her blog–as well as read the rest of their story as they embark on the adoption adventure again!