Mother’s Day Week: Waiting
my baby girl is 11 months old. and as i sit here writing, my mind wanders to what she might be doing at this very moment. my heart begs for her to be held. to have someone smile at her. soothe her when she cries. pick up her favorite toy when she drops it. giggle at her silly antics.
perhaps by her 13th month, i’ll look back and wonder what all this fretting was about. i’ll lean over and kiss her chubby cheeks and give her a squeeze as we head to the park in a frantic rush of peanut butter and jelly, sticky juice cups, sand toys and an array of random stuff thrown in my bag, sure to squash my lingering sunglasses and melty granola bars. i’ll try hard to remember my waiting anguish, but the pain i’ve felt for so many months won’t compute anymore.
the void of a child missing will be filled with God’s providence.
all of the perfectly folded leggings and tiny mary jane shoes will be scattered and worn and lovely. hair accessories will go missing amongst a bin of matchbox cars and somewhere her brothers will be calling her name, chasing after their toddling sister.
sometimes it feels like life can’t start without my little 11 month old. but i find something so amazing, even on really stressful days. the days when my ache is tangible. when tears threaten to unleash with the mere mention of her name. when i start to fall apart at the thought of living yet another day, week, month without my little one.
the hope that God IS caring for us. for her. His limitless ability to care for her in ways i’ll never know about. i don’t hope that he “will” because He IS. currently. each day. there’s no need to stress about the “will” because the IS takes care of it. amazing. He IS.
thank you Jesus for the way you grafted her together…for they way you designed me to be her mother and exactly the way you made her to be my daughter. we are meant to love each other and each day that passes i am grateful to be one day closer, even one hour.