An Open Adoption? (Part 1)
So here we are…moving towards a baby and an open adoption. We’re going to be PARENTS!!! The reality has not sunk in at all! There are so many unknowns in adoption. Should we start buying things? How can we not? How can we? But, there are even more questions about what an open adoption is and what it looks like. The Lord has opened my heart beyond belief in this, and I want to share the process with you here.
As I freaked out prayed about the reality of an open adoption, I did what any other rational woman would do. I googled it. (Turns out the birth mother did, too!) As I browsed through blogs and websites, I found four words that struck me to my core: “Adoption begins in pain.”
“Adoption begins in pain.”
“Adoption begins in pain.” I kept turning the words over and over in my mind. I thought about them while I showered, cooked, cleaned, and folded laundry. I kept mulling them over pondering their truth, significance and implications. Then as I was drying my hair one morning, I felt God calling me to my old faithful journal.
I wiped the dust off and cracked my old friend open only to find the last words I had written six months ago. “Your fears are a passport to a new state, to a higher level, to a greater joy” (from A Call to Joy – Living in the Presence of God
I began to write about the pain involved for the birth mother, adoptive parents, and adoptee.
Birth mother: to lose a child, to place him in the hands of another, to trust a stranger with your most precious gift- your own flesh and blood, to relinquish all control and possibly knowledge. Oh…my heart broke as I truly pondered her pain.
Adoptive Parents: adoption usually begins with the pain of infertility- the emotional roller coaster each month now compounded with that of adoption, to want to be a “normal” family, to fear the questions, hurt and anger the child will have as he grows. Would he shout at me as a teenager, “You’re not my real Mom!” Would others ask if he knows his real mom? Am I his fake mom? In an open adoption- to fear unclear or overstepped boundaries, judgement or regret by the birth mother, to feel like you’re sharing a child, or worse, co-parenting.
Baby: and what of the child? Research shows that a newborn can identify their biological Mom. Do they suffer emotional pain as they are torn away? Will they suffer from attachment issues? Later in life will they hurt with unanswered questions of origin and the reason for the adoption?
The statement, “Adoption begins in pain” seems to be true. But does it heal? How? In closed adoptions, are adoptive parents able to pretend? Can they imitate a “normal” family? Does that bring them healing? And what does it bring the child and birth mother? Would an open adoption bring healing to all? At what price?
To be continued…
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Lauren
Lauren is in love with the Lord, the man of her dreams, and her new daughter. She and her husband married in June of 2006 and thereafter began their journey of infertility and adoption. Despite the many wounds, heartaches, and suffering, she has experienced not only healing and grace and but also the profound beauty of the Resurrection through her relationship with Jesus Christ and the Sacraments of the Catholic Church. She seeks to “magnify the Lord” through her marriage, adoption, and blog. After three unsuccessful adoptions, they brought home their baby girl, Abigail Chiara, in September 2010.
7 Responses to An Open Adoption? (Part 1)
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Although our adoptions have been international, I fully support the movement toward ‘Open Adoptions’ . In fact where we live all adoptions are automatically ‘Open’ by the court unless specified ‘closed’. But ‘bravo’ for opening this dialogue. ‘Open’ adoption is still a ’4 letter word’ to many and these kinds of discussions need to be had.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As an adoptive mom to 3 children, I share the same concerns for each of my children. I worry will they be well adjusted adults. When that worry creeps up, I always hear God telling me “shh, be still and know I am God”. I am so thankful for his Sovereignty and hopefully, they will too someday and will be able to get through the pain by having a relationship with Jesus. I recently went to my daughters class (age 9) to talk about the recent adoption of our son (2 1/2yrs old). My daughter displayed the biggest, prideful smile when I read to the class Psalm 139:13 and explained to them, how awesome before He created the world, He chose me to be the mommy of … Thank you again for sharing – continue to trust in Him and as you know, if it’s God’s will for you to experience open adoption, He will work all things out for your good. Blessings to you and your family.
I know exactly what you are going through. I can’t wait to read Part 2!
Lauren-Thank you so much for your transparency! Thank you for being honest enough to share your fears… the fears we all have. I am also adopted into the kingdom of God. I am His beloved and the pain He took for me was truly great. How blessed I am.
Nancy
Lauren – I am eager to continue reading! Thank you for your willingness to share the ins and outs of your open adoption journey. I think what you share will be incredibly helpful to others who are called to a similar path.
Blessings!
Lauren, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. We are not parents to a child of an open adoption, but the points you have here apply to all adoptive parents. It’s so important to remember that adoption begins with loss and pain. I think too many people in the international adoption world forget that. Thank you!
I loved this post. New to your blog…..my husband and I have 3 biological children and are trying to adopt for the first time. We have seleced an open adoption…..but wow….the fears that come with it. Bless you.