Am I Doing Everything I Can?
That is the question I ask myself almost daily.
When we accepted Kalia’s referral, we knew there was a risk of learning disabilities and developmental delays. We had no idea whether these delays could be overcome or if she would always have problems….and to what extent. It was a definite leap of faith, but I felt God pushing us to accept her referral, even with all the unknowns. We struggled with whether to accept or not. Every time we thought we’d have to turn her away, we’d come across something that changed our mind. Night after night, I prayed for a clear cut sign to know how we should proceed. Every time I’d come across information that was too much for us and we decided we’d have to turn down the referral, new information would just “miraculously appear” to make us rethink our decision. We finally realized this was our “sign.” I never felt more at peace than when we finally decided to accept. I just knew this was the path we were supposed to be on.
Which is why I struggled so hard when we got her home and reality hit…HARD!
Kalia has significant delays. Currently she is almost 42 months old and is testing at between 18 & 30 months (18 months for speech, 30 months cognitive…physical & emotional are in between).
When she was first home, I babied her…A LOT! I mean, come on….she was without a mommy and daddy for almost 2 years…she deserved some extra babying. I did things for her that maybe I should have let her do herself. At times, I felt like I pushed her too hard (expected too much); at other times, I felt like I didn’t push her enough (babied her more than I should have). Oh, the mommy guilt!
We didn’t get her tested through Early Intervention until she was 2 (home 4 months), and she didn’t begin any therapies until 26 months. She didn’t walk until 22 months, and still doesn’t talk. She’s now been in therapy for 16 months. At times, I see improvements…and, at times, I wonder if we’re getting anywhere.
It’s taken me many months to accept Kalia’s delays. To push past the fact that she’s 3 and should be acting like a 3 year old. To accept her as the 18-30 month old that she is and not worry that she’s not “normal.” Some days I’m still working on it…
I wondered many times why God would bring us all together. Her delays are quite extensive and there’s really no promise that all will be better in the future. There’s just no way for us to know what her future will be like. Why would He bring someone with so many unknowns and such huge delays into our busy life? This was not my dream. This was not what I had in mind when we chose adoption.
Lucky for me God was/is in charge. Because, delays or not, unknown future or not, I couldn’t imagine life without this little girl in it. And I will do ANYTHING I need to to help her get ahead. I continue to pray that we’re doing all we can and for Him to keep us on the right path. I continue to force myself to have faith that, while I don’t know what the future holds for her, He does!
I am a wife and mother to 3 children (ages 14, 12, & 3), the youngest was adopted in May 2009 from Hunan, China. I spend my days working as a graphic designer for a local newspaper and my evenings enjoying my children’s daily activities. Sometimes I even manage to squeeze in a few minutes with my husband!